Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1966 Ford Mustang Shelby GT350H

Bill: "Is that yet another Mustang? That's like our 4th one!"

Dad: "Fifth, actually. But I think we've only talked about 1 or 2. Besides, this one is special."

Bill: "Because it has racing stripes?"

Dad: "Because it's worth more than all of the other ones combined times 5. This is the ultra rare Shelby GT350-H. Hertz Rent-a-Car ordered 1000 of these specially made for their company. 306 horsepower and 329 lb-ft of torque meant that you could get to that important business meeting and still have time to hit the bar. Mad Men style."

Bill: "Why would anybody need to rent what is basically a racecar?"

Dad: "Shits and giggles, mostly. Though there were some who did in fact rent them to take to the track. There are stories of the rental shops getting them back with clear evidence of somebody having added a temporary roll cage. There were even some who took the engine out to put into their own car for track day and replaced it when they were done. That way they wouldn't risk damaging the car."

Bill: "Hope they sprung for the extra insurance."

Dad: "Well since it was only $17 per day to rent, I'm sure they had enough left over for that."

Bill: "Sounds like a bad play by the rental car company."

Dad: "Well it was really about free advertising for the Ford Mustang. Hertz struck a deal with Ford and Shelby and got them cheaper than they would have otherwise."

Bill: "So I guess Hertz eventually got out of the racecar rental game?"

Dad: "Yeah. Eventually the cars that were left over were sold off. Of course it's a bad idea to buy rental cars since they are generally abused so they didn't sell for nearly as much as they would've otherwise. Today, however, this car routinely sells for $150,000 at auction."

Bill: "That's a spicy meatball."

Dad: "Ole!"

Bill: "That's not Italian."

Dad: "Yeah well..."

Bill: "Well that's too bad. It'd have been nice to rent a racecar sometime."

Dad: "They did make a special edition 2006 Shelby GT-H for Hertz but..."

Bill: "It just isn't the same."

Dad: "Nope."

Bill: "Think he'll give us a ride?"

Dad: "You're not riding in that deathtrap. Besides, lots of modern cars can beat the pants off of one of these in 0-60 time, cornering ability, and definitely fuel economy."

Bill: "Looks cool though."

Dad: "That it does, buddy."

You know what's wrong with Canada?

Dad: "You know what's wrong with Canada, Bill?"

Bill: "Ineffective decisionmaking-by-committee in both government and the private sector, inflated economic gains caused by a housing bubble, a weak dollar, the use of Zed instead of Zee, the Trans Pacific Partnership, Quebec..."

Dad: "No, no, no, none of that matters to real people. Canada's problem is it doesn't brand itself well."

Bill: "Canada is one of the most popular countries worldwide. The Canadian people get free run through most other modern states. Unlike you, we aren't looked down upon by more civilized countries. Our brand is untarnished."

Dad: "Yeah well... I do still have that Canadian flag lapel pin your Nana gave me in case I end up in Europe or something. INCOGNITO! But no that isn't what I mean. I mean when they have something good they rarely stand up and beat their chest and say 'Ca Na Da! Ca Na Da!'."

Bill: "Example?"

Dad: "What's the best show on TV right now?"

Bill: "Game of Thrones."

Dad: "Okay but what's the best show not on overpriced pay cable?"

Bill: "Sesame Street."

Dad: "Sorry, that was bought by HBO too."

Bill: "Damn, really? Ok what is it?"

Dad: "Orphan Black! It's on BBC America."

Woo Clone Club!

Bill: "So it's British? What does that have to do with Canada?"

Dad: "They only make you think it's British! It's actually COMPLETELY Canadian. The creators are Canadian. The actors, though they have flawless English accents, are mostly Canadian. It's filmed in Canada. Nowhere does it say it's Canadian. It's like they just made the show and said 'Here you go, England. We owe you this for... like... letting us exist and stuff. Thanks!'"

Bill: "Well we don't like to be too overbearing, unlike some countries. Besides that's just one show."

Dad: "It goes on! Do you know what my favorite TV show was when I was a kid?"

Bill: "Red Shoe Diaries."

Thumbs up to you too, Dave!
Inspirational Work!

Dad: "Well, that was later, but when I was little it was You Can't Do That on Television. And I had no idea it was Canadian. It even had Alanis Morrisette! Though at the time I thought she was a boy. I didn't know many Alanisii in the US and she had a really short haircut."

Ahh... green slime. A jagged little pill indeed.

Bill: "You aughta know."

Dad: "Aughta, but dinnae. There's also Red Green on PBS. A show I thought was about a good ol boy from possibly Minnesota or something fixing stuff with Duct tape. Turns out that's Canadian. And let's not forget everybody's favorite chill-out show How It's Made. It's totally Canadian. The Discovery Science channel pretty much shows that nonstop!"

Bill: "Counterpoint. There are a ton of shows that we wish Canada wouldn't take credit for. For instance, have you seen Canadian Idol? How about Project Runway Canada? Sesame Park nee Sesame Street Canada is a particularly atrocious entry. Louis the Francophone Otter? Really?"

Dad: "Yeah well those are just rehashes of other countries' shows. Their original stuff is better."

Bill: "Dad for every Orphan Black there's a Littlest Hobo. For every Corner Gas there's a Beachcombers."

Corner Gas's best moment.

Dad: "Corner Gas wasn't great."

Bill: "It had it's moments. The point is that if you make enough shows eventually one is going to be good. It's the law of averages. We can't just go cheering every show to come along. And if we wait till after the show is good to start cheering for it we'll just sound like Kansas City Royals fans."

Dad: "I've always cheered for the Royals! We're number 1! USA! USA!"

Bill: "I rest my case."

Review Time! - There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly or: This is what's wrong with America

Dad: "This is unacceptable."

Bill: "Calm down, pops. Don't have a coronary."

Dad: "I'll not be calm! I'll not be! I purchased this book in good faith assuming that the story would be the same as it always was. Instead it's some wussified nonsense."

Bill: "What's the big deal?"

Dad: "The big deal, Bill, is that this Lucille Colandro person took a beloved tale of a woman hoisted by her own petard due to her sheer stupidity and turned it into a buddy comedy."

Bill: "This is a professional review so back it up and tell the folks what is wrong."

Dad: "Alright. We all know the story of the old lady who swallows a harmless fly and then loses her shit eating every animal in sight faster than a fat man choking down steak at Golden Corral trying to get it out."

Bill: "It's all you can eat for a reasonable price. And they have surprisingly delicious steak. It's a no brainer."

Dad: "Damn right it's a no brainer, Bill. Golden Corral is amazing. But the point is that, through her overwhelming hubris, she assumes she can get this pesky fly out using increasingly large animals to chase eachother through her bowels and she just assumes it'll all work out."

Bill: "Well it is a kid's book. Usually everything works out in the end and everybody lives happily ever after."

Dad: "Not in the old days, Bill! In the old days we had the brothers Grimm and their books of sadistic child horrors. Of course even those were toned down by Disney. Heck even Shel Silverstein had a tale about a snail that lived up your nose that would bite your finger off if you put it in too far."

Bill: "That's messed up."

Dad: "Probably but it's necessary to keep kids from doing stupid things."

Bill: "So you don't pick your nose then?"

Dad: "Well I'm not a kid anymore so I can do as I please."

Bill: "Right. So anyway, back to the book at hand. What happens in this that set you off so much?"

Dad: "Well, Bill, there are several things. Firstly, in the original book, right after she eats the fly she eats a spider that wriggles and jiggles and tickles inside her. In this book that part is skipped."

Bill: "She doesn't eat a spider in this one?"

Dad: "Oh she eats the spider alright. It just doesn't wriggle and jiggle and tickle."

Bill: "Uh huh. Sounds crucial to the plot."

Dad: "It is! It adds some important alliteration to each verse that breaks up the monotony of reading 'she swallowed the cow to catch the goat she swallowed the goat to catch the dog she swallowed the dog to catch the cat' etc. over and over."

Bill: "Anything else?"

Dad: "And how! At the end of each verse instead of saying 'perhaps she'll die' she says 'she won't say why'. This is stupid both for the lack of foreshadowing to give the impression that perhaps it's not a good idea to eat hundreds of pounds of farm animals but also because the full text is 'I don't know why she swallowed that fly. She won't say why'. So they say 'why' like... twice in a row. Dumb."

Bill: "Yeah that does sound kinda iffy. So what happens after she eats all these things?"

Dad: "Oh this part is the delicious chocolate waterfall coating your Golden Corral cotton candy served on a slice of apple pie. Get this: At the end of the book she COUGHS and all the animals fly out and they're all just super best friends."

Bill: "Ok that's stupid. Why didn't she just cough out the fly to begin with if it was that easy?"

Dad: "I KNOW BILL! Not to mention the fact that these dumb animals were just eaten and pitted against eachother in some kind of gastronomical kumite and they're just totally fine with that."

Bill: "Well that sews it up. This book is garbage."

Dad: "It gets worse."

Bill: "No way!"

Dad: "Way! This isn't the only book. A cursory scan of Amazon also has 10+ separate books with titles like 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Frog!', 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Shell!', 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Desk!', and 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed Some Books!'."

Bill: "What the hell, dude. Do people buy those things?"

Dad: "They actually have 3.5-5 stars! It's madness!"

Bill: "That sounds like bad parenting."

Dad: "It's what's wrong with America, Bill. Too many stupid parents."

Bill: "So do you want to read the book?"

Dad: "Of course. I paid like 7 bucks for this thing. But in my version the old lady is gonna die. A lot."

Bill: "Excellent. You're the best dad."

Dad: "I know, son."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1956 and 1957 Ford Thunderbird

Bill: "Hey, nice car. Wish it was blue.. like my eyes"

Dad: "Poof! It's blue!"




Bill: "That's crazy!"

Dad: "I know, right! And I changed your clothes and turned us around!"

Bill: "Waitaminute...."

Dad: "Ok ok. It's just two versions of the same car found in the exact same spot on separate days. You got me."

Bill: "How come one has bumper boobies and the other doesn't?"

Dad: "Those are bullets, not boobies. Fins, bumper bullets, and wheel spinners were the style at the time because they gave the cars a sense of speed even when they were sitting still. Like a bullet or a jet."

Bill: "Well I'm not big on the bumper boobies but I do like those vents in the front quarterpanels. Makes it look like a shark!"

Dad: "That it does."

Bill: "It even has a porthole window in the top. I'm assuming that's for underwater use."

Dad: "Nah, just another one of those things that were the style at the time. It actually offers very little visibility and doesn't really fit with the lines of the car. Most of the accoutrements were little more than shiny fluff serving no purpose."

Bill: "Tim Gunn would say they should use an editing eye."

Dad: "Probably. They are a little flamboyant by today's standards. But, compared to some of the other cars of the era, they're downright subdued and streamlined."

Bill: "So do they still make Thunderbirds?"

Dad: "Nah. After the 1957 models they got a little nuts with regards to size. In the 70s they were basically battleships on wheels. My dad had one of those models. Terrible cars. Though, it did stand up well when tested against a smaller car head on."

Bill: "He wrecked it?"

Dad: "Kinda! A little car came around a blind curve onto the one lane bridge we were on and hit us. I broke the windshield with my head."

Bill: "Oh... that explains it. Any damage besides the obvious brain injury?"

Dad: "Not really. Wrinkled the fender and pinched the frame a little. He fixed it the Missouri way."

Bill: "Professional body shop?"

Dad: "Log chain tied between the right side of the frame and a sturdy tree. A couple of short trips in reverse gear straightened it up enough."

Bill: "Missouri people."

Dad: "A part of your heritage, son. Now tighten your seatbelt.