Top Trumps

Dad: "Baaaahaha! What a moron!"

Bill: "Put the mirror down, Dad."

Dad: "Hah. Hah. Get this, Bill. Your fearless leader Donald Trump was all 'Frederick Doug — Douglass is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job that is being recognized more and more, I notice.'. It's like he doesn't know anything about the guy! Probably thinks he's still alive and works for the NAACP!"

Bill: "And what do you know about him?"

Dad: "Well I read some stuff. He was a slave when he was young and managed to escape to the north. I know that he spoke often against slavery. And he had pretty sweet hair, from the pictures I've seen."

Bill: "What if I can prove that Donald Trump's comments are correct."

Dad: "Is this some kind of David Blaine shit?"

Bill: "Nope, no trick. It's all in Frederick Douglass's book 'A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave.' Have you read it?"

Dad: "Well, no not as such."

Bill: "It's right there on Gutenberg. Free for all to read. You should check it out."

Dad: "And then poof! I'm in a glass box, right?"

Bill: "Just read it."

Dad: "Okeydokey."

3 days of on and off again reading on the phone later 

Bill: "So? Did you get the answer?"

Dad: "I read the whole thing and he didn't mention Trump once. I win!"

Bill: "What did he do?"

Dad: "Well he talked a lot about life as a young slave. It was interesting hearing about all of his various family members that were around on plantations in the area. The dehumanizing way that slaves were loaned out and passed around like a normal farm implement. I was especially moved that, even though he had already escaped he refused to write how he did it for worry of a single chance that some other slave may not be able to do the same because of what he wrote. It was Big Time, as Trump might say. I read a few newspaper articles of the day criticizing the book as fiction, saying they knew the slaveholders in the book and that they were upstanding men who would never do such things. Fake news, as they say."

Bill: "So you have a new insight into his life."

Dad: "Yeah...."

Bill: "So you might say that he's being recognized more and more each day."

Dad: "Dammit Bill! I knew this was some lame ass David Blaine shit."

Bill: "Scoreboard! Trump: 1, Dad: 0. So what else did you learn?"

Dad: "Not to mock people for not knowing things when you don't know anything either."

Bill: "Exactly. I mean, unless they're the freaking president."

Dad: "I know, right? Hahahaha!"


(Editor's note: I did actually read the entire book in a few hours on my phone while Bill watched Sesame Street over a couple of days. It's quick, it's interesting, it's free. Like Schoolhouse Rocky said: "Knowledge is power")

Dad and Bill Watching the Youtubes - AvE

Dad: "Put on your safety squints and get ready to watch the greatest vid-jay-oh tool guy on the Youtubes. AvE."

Bill: "Avenue? Ants vs Ears? Apples vs Everyone?"

Dad: "No, just AvE. Apparently it stands for Arduino vs Evil but I don't know what that means. All I know is I went in expecting just a squirt and I got the whole bachelor party"

Bill: "I don't think that's an appropriate way to talk on a professional website."

Dad: "Better get used to it. It's a direct quote from the man himself."

Bill: "So that's his deal then? Just spouting 'edgy' things and generally being an American buffoon?"

Dad: "Nope. Canadian. Just north of us in British Columbia. And he is far more than a source of wonderfully imaginative exclamations. He takes everyday machines and opens them up to explain to you what is really going on."

Bill: "Mansplaining?"

Dad: "No he actually knows what he's talking about! I'm pretty sure he has some type of electrical or mechanical engineering background because he'll take apart a tool or machine and go through all the little widgets and spinnamathings and tell you what they are, what they do, and generally where the companies are ripping you off. He doesn't do paid reviews or any of that so it's honest opinions with no bull."

Bill: "That sounds pretty useful. So just a tool review site then basically?"

Dad: "Well he has lots of helpful tips and little bits of knowledge. Some of his videos are long 30 minute jobbies and some are short 2 minute clips of him sticking a paperclip in an outlet to show that only one side of the outlet is dangerous."

Bill: "Hmm... got a paperclip?"

Dad: "Don't try this at home. Dad's hand is more dangerous than electricity."

Bill: "Point taken."

Dad: "Anyway like I said he makes taking apart a tool seem incredibly entertaining. That said, the video quality is not over the top, the overlays and screen text is functional at best, and he does have some awkward abrupt cuts. But he says really entertaining things. He actually reminds me a whole lot of your Grampa in Canada."

Bill: "How so?"

Dad: "He thinks most people/companies are crooks and makes up words and nicknames for everything. Most of which are not PC."

Bill: "Examples?"

Dad: "Well here's a quick AvE vocabulary lesson:"

Schmoo: Goo or mank

Magic Pixies: Electricity

Son of a diddly: You can imagine this one

Grand du Marteau: Big ass hammer

Jelly Bean Parts: Any cheap little generic piece of a machine. Usually easily broken

Guangzhou Charlie: The person you get the jelly bean parts from

Skookum: Big, strong, valuable, works well. It basically means it's a good thing

Chooch: Any action a machine can have. If something spins, fires, flames, whatever, it chooches

Skookum Choocher: Something that is good at what it does. If a nail gun can shoot through a 6 inch board it's probably a skookum choocher

Chooched its last chooch: It's broken

Thumb Detecting Nut Fucker: A crescent wrench. Usually this one:

Bill: "Is there going to be a quiz?"

Dad: "Nope but we have some vid-jay-ohs to watch."

Bill: "Great. Seriously though... next time can we do Thomas or something? I don't know what your obsession is with Canadian tool guys."

Dad: "Maybe. I do have a bit of a backlog."

Bill: "Perhaps I should just start writing my own blog."

Dad: "Perhaps you should finally start talking!"

Bill: "I didn't want a blog that much anyway."

Labor Day Special

Bill: "Isn't it Monday today? Why are the neighbours home?"

Dad: "It's Labor Day!"

Bill: "Soo... Why isn't there more labor happening? Sounds more like No-Labor Day."

Dad: "Labor Day is when we celebrate the working man by not working. We all just hang out, eat hot dogs, and drink beer."

Bill: "Wow that's pretty sweet. The government actually did something right for a change. So what happens if you forget to buy something for your Labor Day bash or you just don't want hot dogs if everything is closed."

Dad: "Well stores and restaurants generally aren't closed. Some actually have big Labor Day sales so they can be pretty busy."

Bill: "At least nurses have the day off so mom is home."

Dad: "It just happens to be her day off. Nurses have to work most holidays."

Bill: "So basically the workers who matter most get the shaft. Who does get the day off then?"

Dad: "Bankers, lawyers, government workers, professional type people, etc."

Bill: "Are you serious with your face right now? The big day off for workers is only for people who already get like 5 weeks of vacation a year anyway? Meanwhile those that bust ass for minimum wage get to serve them?"

Dad: "Some ass busters get the day off depending on who they work for but yes for the most part the service industry and healthcare get nothing."

Bill: "Well here is to the folks who don't get to enjoy the day set aside just for them. We couldn't get by without you. Happy Labor Day."

A Minor Plunder

Bill: "Dad, I think it's time to get some booty"

Dad: "Hubba-wha?"

Bill: "Booty. We need booty."

Dad: "I really didn't think this day would come so soon. You must be some kind of booty prodigy! So, my son, what kind of booty are you looking for?"

Bill: "Umm, the white kind?"

Dad: "Oh Bill, Bill, sweet simple Bill... don't limit yourself! There's a whole world of booty out there! White, black, yellow, red, various shades of brown! It's like a booty buffet!"

Bill: "Really? I thought there was just the one kind. You know, crunchy... and cheesy."

Dad: "Are those some kind of hipster terms? I really should check out urbandictionary more often to keep up on the lingo..."

Bill: "Surely you've had booty before. You know what I'm talking about."

Dad: "Well I've had a little booty, don't get me wrong. I'm not what the kids today call a 'playa' but I did alright. Nowadays I just have the one and it's great, you know, high quality imported stuff but sometimes... sometimes I envy your freedom."

Bill: "Freedom... to get booty?"

Dad: "Freedom to live, Bill! To live! To be wild and free. Sow your proverbial oats. Explore the world and its booty bounty! The world is your oyster!"

Bill: "Right. Well for now how about we just go to the store and get the bog standard regular old Pirate's Booty."

Dad: "Pirate's Booty?"

Bill: "Yes. You know, the baked cheese snack? What did you think I was talking about?"

Dad: "Uhh, nothing. Pirate's Booty of course."

Bill: "Is this something I should discuss with mom?"

Dad: "No no that doesn't really... no. Don't bother your mom with this. She's very busy! She's a beautiful and sweet hard working woman who should be loved and praised and doted on at all times. Some say she's like... the best woman. The best."

Bill: "Hmm... can I get cookies too?"

Dad: "Yes. Yes you can."

Bill: "And a new Thomas book?"

Dad: "Absolutely."

Bill: "Y'arr!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1941 Chevrolet Master Deluxe

Bill: "Oh man this takes me back to my days with the mob."

Dad: "I'm sorry, what?

Bill: "You know, wise guys? La Cosa Nostra? The Mafia dad! Jeez get a load of this jamook."

Dad: "Bill you're about to turn 2."

Bill: "I know! It seems so long ago..."

Dad: "So you were in a gang."

Bill: "It's not a gang, Dad. It's a Family. And I was the Boss."

Dad: "Right. Was there anybody else in this Family?"

Bill: "Sure! Foxxy Fox was my Consigliere. He helped make sure I thought things out when I got a little crazy. Moosey Moose was the capo of my crew making sure things went my way. And of course there was Doug."

Dad: "Doug? You mean Doggy Dog?"

Bill: "Yeah he had to change his name because of Snoop. Trademark issues."

Dad: "What did Doug do for you?"

Bill: "Made me laugh, mostly. He had floppy ears."

Dad: "I see. So what did your gang do exactly?"

Bill: "Ran numbers, mostly."

Dad: "Why numbers?"

Bill: "Because I don't know my letters yet. Way to make a guy feel bad, Dad. I'm not even 2!"

Dad: "Sorry, sorry. So how does numbers running work?"

Bill: "Well first we would turn on Sesame Street. Then we'd wait for The Count to start doing his thing. You know... counting. And then we'd run!"

Dad: "That makes no sense but go on."

Bill: "That's it. It was quite the racket."

Dad: "So why aren't you running numbers in the gang anymore?"

Bill: "Somebody made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

Dad: "Another mob boss?"

Bill: "Nah, Thomas the Tank Engine. Sesame Street is old news."

Dad: "Okay fine. So how exactly does this car remind you of your gang days?"

Bill: "It doesn't. I was just bored. I made it all up. I had you snowed, old man!"

Dad: "You are the master, Bill."

Bill: "Master Deluxe more like."

Dad and Bill Watching the Youtubes - Matthias Wandel

Bill: "Sweet. YOUTUBE TIME! What are we watching? Elmo? Thomas? Elmo and Thomas crossover?"

Dad: "Today we're going to watch a nice Canadian fellow doing some woodworking."

Bill: "He'll be making Thomas toys from wood then?"

Dad: "Nope! Mostly he'll be doing this."



Bill: "Uhhh?"

Dad: "Just kidding. Well, kinda. A lot of projects do end like that."

Bill: "Well, it looks Canadian so far. Like Juste Pour Rire but more funny. So what's his schtick?"

Dad: "He's very interesting actually. He's the son of German parents who immigrated to Canada in the 80s. His father was a woodworker and built a tourist camp in Northern Ontario which the family stayed at during the summers."

Bill: "Fascinating. Like Meatballs but with old German people."



Bill: "Stop that!"

Dad: "Anyway, Matthias used to be an engineer for RIM working on the Blackberry."

Bill: "That poor bastard..."

Dad: "Yeah well, it was state of the art once! His engineering perspective makes his woodworking videos very interesting. He doesn't go in for a lot of decorative touches but instead focuses on function and durability."

Bill: "So it's ugly but it works?"

Dad: "Basically. Especially when it comes to his favorite green paint color he puts on all of his machines."

Bill: "He paints the tools he buys green? Don't they come already painted in Canada?"

Dad: "That's the cool part. Most of his projects are actually about making tools! Table saws, bandsaws, weird tenoning and pattern copying router machines. It's really super interesting. He even makes gears from wood."

Bill: "And then he paints them green."

Dad: "Usually!"

Bill: "You know mom won't let you build any dangerous machines out of wood right? Your thumbs don't work."

Dad: "That's why I keep the garage full of spiders. That way she is too scared to look in there! What she doesn't know won't hurt me."

Bill: "And what you don't know probably will hurt you."



Bill: "Seriously is there any point to all that jumping?"

Dad: "It's an important safety check, Bill. You don't want to one day find yourself needing to jump on your desk and crash to the floor as it shatters into pieces and leaves you helpless and writhing in agony while everybody laughs and points."

Bill: "I'll take my chances."

Dad: "Suit yourself, but he's already saved a few lives with his tests. Here's one that went poorly:"



Bill: "HAHAHAHA! He fell right on his butt. That's classic Juste Pour Rire GOLD right there. This guy is okay I suppose."

Dad: "I'm sure he appreciates your approval. I'm assuming we'll give Matthias Wandel's Woodworking for Engineers the Dad and Bill Seal of Approval?"

Bill: "Yeah fine. Can we watch Elmo now?"

Dad: "Sure, just as soon as I put some more Spider Chow in the garage. I have some work to do!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp

*Please note that this picture is old but the conversation is fresh!




Bill: "I think they took this one off the assembly line early. Forgot the paint. What is this, a 1975 Halfass?"

Dad: "No it's a 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp."

Bill: "That's a lot of names for a halfass car."

Dad: "Well it's a Plymouth Valiant but Scamp is the variant."

Bill: "Like a weasel?"

Dad: "Not varmint. Variant. It's when they add doodads to a car and give it a nickname to set it apart from the base model. Lots of things and people have nicknames. Even me!"

Bill: "I heard that guy you almost hit in the crosswalk the other day call you something. Was that your nickname?"

Dad: "No. No it wasn't. I've actually had several nicknames. When I was little some people called me Bink."

Bill: "Well it's not cool but it's better than what that one guy called you. Anything else?"

Dad: "In sixth grade they called me Elvis."

Bill: "Because of your singing voice and way with the ladies?"

Dad: "No I just didn't like to get my hair cut."

Bill: "Man I hope I'm not lame when I get older. Is that it?"

Dad: "When the internet came along I went by Fozzie."

Bill: "Makes sense. I've seen your back when your shirt is off."

Dad: "No, it's.. well okay sure but it's mostly because I'm hilarious."

Bill: "Especially when your shirt is off."

Dad: "Whatever, Bill!"

Bill: "Does Mom have a nickname?"

Dad: "I call her Goomba."

Bill: "Why?"

Dad: "Well when we were first together she did something silly and I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I'd been watching a lot of The Sopranos at the time. It sounded appropriate."

Bill: "What's a Goomba?"

Dad: "Well it's supposedly a term of endearment in the mafia type circles but it sounds like an insult to me. It's also the name of the mushroom head guys in Mario."

Bill: "So you call my mom a mushroom headed mafioso?"

Dad: "Well when you put it that way it sounds rude. Way to ruin it, Bill!"

Bill: "I'm surprised she doesn't call you what that guy in the crosswalk did..."

Dad: "Yeah well she has but I'm sure she meant it in the nicest way."

Bill: "Pretty sure that word can't be used in a nice way, but keep hoping."