A Minor Plunder

Bill: "Dad, I think it's time to get some booty"

Dad: "Hubba-wha?"

Bill: "Booty. We need booty."

Dad: "I really didn't think this day would come so soon. You must be some kind of booty prodigy! So, my son, what kind of booty are you looking for?"

Bill: "Umm, the white kind?"

Dad: "Oh Bill, Bill, sweet simple Bill... don't limit yourself! There's a whole world of booty out there! White, black, yellow, red, various shades of brown! It's like a booty buffet!"

Bill: "Really? I thought there was just the one kind. You know, crunchy... and cheesy."

Dad: "Are those some kind of hipster terms? I really should check out urbandictionary more often to keep up on the lingo..."

Bill: "Surely you've had booty before. You know what I'm talking about."

Dad: "Well I've had a little booty, don't get me wrong. I'm not what the kids today call a 'playa' but I did alright. Nowadays I just have the one and it's great, you know, high quality imported stuff but sometimes... sometimes I envy your freedom."

Bill: "Freedom... to get booty?"

Dad: "Freedom to live, Bill! To live! To be wild and free. Sow your proverbial oats. Explore the world and its booty bounty! The world is your oyster!"

Bill: "Right. Well for now how about we just go to the store and get the bog standard regular old Pirate's Booty."

Dad: "Pirate's Booty?"

Bill: "Yes. You know, the baked cheese snack? What did you think I was talking about?"

Dad: "Uhh, nothing. Pirate's Booty of course."

Bill: "Is this something I should discuss with mom?"

Dad: "No no that doesn't really... no. Don't bother your mom with this. She's very busy! She's a beautiful and sweet hard working woman who should be loved and praised and doted on at all times. Some say she's like... the best woman. The best."

Bill: "Hmm... can I get cookies too?"

Dad: "Yes. Yes you can."

Bill: "And a new Thomas book?"

Dad: "Absolutely."

Bill: "Y'arr!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1941 Chevrolet Master Deluxe

Bill: "Oh man this takes me back to my days with the mob."

Dad: "I'm sorry, what?

Bill: "You know, wise guys? La Cosa Nostra? The Mafia dad! Jeez get a load of this jamook."

Dad: "Bill you're about to turn 2."

Bill: "I know! It seems so long ago..."

Dad: "So you were in a gang."

Bill: "It's not a gang, Dad. It's a Family. And I was the Boss."

Dad: "Right. Was there anybody else in this Family?"

Bill: "Sure! Foxxy Fox was my Consigliere. He helped make sure I thought things out when I got a little crazy. Moosey Moose was the capo of my crew making sure things went my way. And of course there was Doug."

Dad: "Doug? You mean Doggy Dog?"

Bill: "Yeah he had to change his name because of Snoop. Trademark issues."

Dad: "What did Doug do for you?"

Bill: "Made me laugh, mostly. He had floppy ears."

Dad: "I see. So what did your gang do exactly?"

Bill: "Ran numbers, mostly."

Dad: "Why numbers?"

Bill: "Because I don't know my letters yet. Way to make a guy feel bad, Dad. I'm not even 2!"

Dad: "Sorry, sorry. So how does numbers running work?"

Bill: "Well first we would turn on Sesame Street. Then we'd wait for The Count to start doing his thing. You know... counting. And then we'd run!"

Dad: "That makes no sense but go on."

Bill: "That's it. It was quite the racket."

Dad: "So why aren't you running numbers in the gang anymore?"

Bill: "Somebody made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

Dad: "Another mob boss?"

Bill: "Nah, Thomas the Tank Engine. Sesame Street is old news."

Dad: "Okay fine. So how exactly does this car remind you of your gang days?"

Bill: "It doesn't. I was just bored. I made it all up. I had you snowed, old man!"

Dad: "You are the master, Bill."

Bill: "Master Deluxe more like."

Dad and Bill Watching the Youtubes - Matthias Wandel

Bill: "Sweet. YOUTUBE TIME! What are we watching? Elmo? Thomas? Elmo and Thomas crossover?"

Dad: "Today we're going to watch a nice Canadian fellow doing some woodworking."

Bill: "He'll be making Thomas toys from wood then?"

Dad: "Nope! Mostly he'll be doing this."



Bill: "Uhhh?"

Dad: "Just kidding. Well, kinda. A lot of projects do end like that."

Bill: "Well, it looks Canadian so far. Like Juste Pour Rire but more funny. So what's his schtick?"

Dad: "He's very interesting actually. He's the son of German parents who immigrated to Canada in the 80s. His father was a woodworker and built a tourist camp in Northern Ontario which the family stayed at during the summers."

Bill: "Fascinating. Like Meatballs but with old German people."



Bill: "Stop that!"

Dad: "Anyway, Matthias used to be an engineer for RIM working on the Blackberry."

Bill: "That poor bastard..."

Dad: "Yeah well, it was state of the art once! His engineering perspective makes his woodworking videos very interesting. He doesn't go in for a lot of decorative touches but instead focuses on function and durability."

Bill: "So it's ugly but it works?"

Dad: "Basically. Especially when it comes to his favorite green paint color he puts on all of his machines."

Bill: "He paints the tools he buys green? Don't they come already painted in Canada?"

Dad: "That's the cool part. Most of his projects are actually about making tools! Table saws, bandsaws, weird tenoning and pattern copying router machines. It's really super interesting. He even makes gears from wood."

Bill: "And then he paints them green."

Dad: "Usually!"

Bill: "You know mom won't let you build any dangerous machines out of wood right? Your thumbs don't work."

Dad: "That's why I keep the garage full of spiders. That way she is too scared to look in there! What she doesn't know won't hurt me."

Bill: "And what you don't know probably will hurt you."



Bill: "Seriously is there any point to all that jumping?"

Dad: "It's an important safety check, Bill. You don't want to one day find yourself needing to jump on your desk and crash to the floor as it shatters into pieces and leaves you helpless and writhing in agony while everybody laughs and points."

Bill: "I'll take my chances."

Dad: "Suit yourself, but he's already saved a few lives with his tests. Here's one that went poorly:"



Bill: "HAHAHAHA! He fell right on his butt. That's classic Juste Pour Rire GOLD right there. This guy is okay I suppose."

Dad: "I'm sure he appreciates your approval. I'm assuming we'll give Matthias Wandel's Woodworking for Engineers the Dad and Bill Seal of Approval?"

Bill: "Yeah fine. Can we watch Elmo now?"

Dad: "Sure, just as soon as I put some more Spider Chow in the garage. I have some work to do!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp

*Please note that this picture is old but the conversation is fresh!




Bill: "I think they took this one off the assembly line early. Forgot the paint. What is this, a 1975 Halfass?"

Dad: "No it's a 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp."

Bill: "That's a lot of names for a halfass car."

Dad: "Well it's a Plymouth Valiant but Scamp is the variant."

Bill: "Like a weasel?"

Dad: "Not varmint. Variant. It's when they add doodads to a car and give it a nickname to set it apart from the base model. Lots of things and people have nicknames. Even me!"

Bill: "I heard that guy you almost hit in the crosswalk the other day call you something. Was that your nickname?"

Dad: "No. No it wasn't. I've actually had several nicknames. When I was little some people called me Bink."

Bill: "Well it's not cool but it's better than what that one guy called you. Anything else?"

Dad: "In sixth grade they called me Elvis."

Bill: "Because of your singing voice and way with the ladies?"

Dad: "No I just didn't like to get my hair cut."

Bill: "Man I hope I'm not lame when I get older. Is that it?"

Dad: "When the internet came along I went by Fozzie."

Bill: "Makes sense. I've seen your back when your shirt is off."

Dad: "No, it's.. well okay sure but it's mostly because I'm hilarious."

Bill: "Especially when your shirt is off."

Dad: "Whatever, Bill!"

Bill: "Does Mom have a nickname?"

Dad: "I call her Goomba."

Bill: "Why?"

Dad: "Well when we were first together she did something silly and I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I'd been watching a lot of The Sopranos at the time. It sounded appropriate."

Bill: "What's a Goomba?"

Dad: "Well it's supposedly a term of endearment in the mafia type circles but it sounds like an insult to me. It's also the name of the mushroom head guys in Mario."

Bill: "So you call my mom a mushroom headed mafioso?"

Dad: "Well when you put it that way it sounds rude. Way to ruin it, Bill!"

Bill: "I'm surprised she doesn't call you what that guy in the crosswalk did..."

Dad: "Yeah well she has but I'm sure she meant it in the nicest way."

Bill: "Pretty sure that word can't be used in a nice way, but keep hoping."