Cool Cars with Dad and the Dowager Countess - 1929 Model A

Dad: "Hey Bill, check out this 1929 Model A roadster. Pretty sweet huh?"

Bill assumes a haughty British falsetto.

Bill: "Goodness! What has Branson gone and done this time? Does Lord Grantham know of this?"

Dad: "Um. What?"

Bill: "Oh it is you. I thought it was a man in your clothes."

Dad: "Bill. We've talked about this before. You are not the chicken lady."

Bill: "When you talk like that, I'm tempted to ring for Nanny and have you put to bed with no supper."

Dad: "Listen, Bill. We're just here to talk about this car. Don't you want to go for a drive or something? Something manly and awesome?"

Bill: "What is this driving mania? You aren't Toad of Toad Hall. At my age one must ration one's excitement."

Dad: "This whole thing doesn't even make sense. This isn't a British car and it's not in the Downton timeline!"

Bill: "If I ever were to search for logic, I wouldn't look for it among the English upper class."

Dad: "How you hate to be wrong."

Bill: "I wouldn't know. I'm not familiar with the sensation."

Dad: "We have a lot of walking left to do still you know. Can we finish this up?"

Bill: "That's the thing about nature; there's so much of it."

Dad: "I'm just trying to pass the time here. It's not easy filling a whole day hanging out with a baby you know."

Bill: "You must find something to put your mind to."

Dad: "What? Gardening?"

Bill: "No you can't be as desperate as that. You're a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do."

Dad: "... I'm not a woman."

Bill: "Hmm, yes but you're better than nothing. I suppose looks aren't everything."

Dad: "Bill! Stop quoting the Dowager Countess and use your own words."

Bill: "Oh all this endless thinking; it's very overrated. I blame the war; before 1914 nobody thought of anything at all."

Dad: "I hope you're happy. Everybody has stopped reading by now and gone off to Buzzfeed."

Bill: "Hope is a tease designed to prevent us accepting reality."

Dad: "You only say that to sound clever."

Bill: "I know. You should try it."

Dad: "Why are you like this?"

Bill: "Some say our history, but I blame the weather."

Dad: "Aaaaargh!!"

Bill: "Don't be defeatist, dear. It's very middle class."

Dad: "Fine. We'll just go home and eat. But if you don't stop you won't get any dessert"

Bill: "Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding."

Dad: "I'll take that as a compliment."

Bill: "I must have said it wrong."

Dad: "We're supposed to see grandma on the webcam later too. You don't want to miss that do you?"

Bill: "I'm so looking forward to seeing your mother. When I'm with her I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."

Dad: "You know she's American, Bill."

Bill: "Exactly."

Dad: "That's pretty rude."

Bill: "You know, I wonder your halo doesn't grow heavy. It must be like wearing a tiara around the clock."

Dad: "I'm done."

Bill whispers to Foxy Fox: "I don't dislike him, I just don't like him. Which is quite different. Why does every day involve a fight with an American."

Bill: "Well we can't have him assassinated... I suppose."

Dad pushes the stroller away back toward the house sighing.

Remember the 90s?

Dad: "If you want to destroy my sweater..."

Bill: "Dad."

Dad: "...hold this thread as I walk awaaay."

Bill: "Dad.."

Dad: "Watch me unravel. I'll sooon be nakeeeed."

Bill: "Dad Dad Dad Dad."

Dad: "Lying on the floor. LYING ON THE FLOOR! I'VE COME UNDOOOOOONE!"

Bill: "DAD!!!!!"

Dad: "Yeah buddy?"

Bill: "What's your deal?"

Dad: "Just rocking out. Like ya do."

Bill: "I don't think that was rocking out. That sounds like old people music. Mom says it's because you're stuck in the 90s. Whatever that is."

Dad: "Not what. When."

Bill: "What?"

Dad: "When."

Bill: "Losing interest..."

Dad: "See, son, when people refer to time periods they usually talk about decades. And generally they use it to talk about the popular styles in fashion, food, and entertainment that were popular during that time. I spent most of my formative years, the period from teen to young adulthood, in the 90s."

Bill: "Why does mom say you are stuck there?"

Dad: "Well mom is a hater, Bill. And you know what haters do, right?"

Bill: "Haters gonna hate?"

Dad: "Exactly! It just so happens that mom is a few years younger than me and, as such, she doesn't have the appreciation of the fine art that is music in the 90s like I do. Plus she's Canadian."

Bill: "So where is she stuck?"

Dad: "Some weird limbo between the 90s and the 00s, Canada and the US. It's all Metric and Gaga up in her head. Though she does reach back to 90s dance and the occasional Gordon Lightfoot jam. You know, when she gets all Canadian."

Bill: "So you just listen to 90s music then?"

Dad: "Not necessarily. Growing up I had lots of influences that were stuck in various decades. So I do have an appreciation of Skynyrd, Pink Floyd, Queen, etc. Sometimes I even jam to a Sam Roberts song from your mom's collection. And when I get really crazy... i'll do "She's just being Miley."

Bill: "That's messed up."

Dad: "I know! That's your mom's influence. One time I secretly filmed her singing along to it in the car. Shh don't tell anybody."

Bill: "So where am I stuck then?"

Dad: "Right now you're stuck in Sesame Street. But eventually, when you get older, you'll decide what you like best. Whatever is popular in the 30s I guess. Hopefully Miley isn't still around by then. Who knows what persona she'll have at that time. Like a cross between Madonna and Cher and she'll be dressed like Gaga most likely."

Bill: "What if I don't like any of the music?"

Dad: "Then make your own! Start your own band. You don't have to follow the crowd if you don't want to."

Bill: "Maybe. Can I still listen to Sesame Street for now?"

Dad: "Heck yeah. You want to rock out with me?"

Bill: "Sure!"

Dad and Bill: "La la la la! La la la la! Elmo's World! THAAAAAAAT'S ELMO'S WOOOOOOOORLD!"

Review time! - Vtech Go! Go! Smart Wheels Ultimate Amazement Park Playset

Dad: "Today we're going to talk about Vtech's Go! Go! Smart Wheels Ultimate Amazement Park Playset. Yes, it does have a ridiculous title. I agree. I'll refer to it as GGSWUAP for now."

Bill: "Vrooooooooooom.... eeeeerp! PAKOOSH!"

Dad: "Hey Bill do you want to stop for a second and come talk about your toy?"

Bill: "Disinterested."

Dad: "Okay then. The GGSWUAP was the first thing in the Go! Go! Smart Wheels line that we bought for Bill. His mom picked it for his first birthday which was a little early for his height since it's so tall but that just meant he could enjoy it longer."

Bill: "My car's fixed up, I'm ready to go. Beep Beep hit the gas! Let's go!"

Dad: "The track comes with the white race car driven by Rob which, along with the fact that he loves to race, he dutifully announces every few minutes while you're playing with it. Interspersed in between are classic children song instrumentals as well as a few other phrases and lots of racey engine noises."

Bill: "Rob likes to go down the steep hill and through the loop the most."

Dad: "He isn't very good at the loop anymore. His wheels are a little gummed up so he tends to slide down the track more than roll."

Bill: "It's hilarious when he gets upside down and then falls on his top."

Dad: "That it is, son. Luckily, other than the wheel issue, he is robust. Bill has thrown him down on the hard kitchen tile quite a few times and he only has a few decal scratches to show for it."

Bill: "It's cool. He has a helmet."

Dad: "The design of the gar is nice. It's like a super-deformed Le Mans car and it's well detailed for a Smart Wheels car. All Vtech cars have little songs that they play that refer to various things they do like the race car races, the school bus takes children to school, etc. However the music for many of them are the same, just with different words. Some of them are pretty badly written but Rob's are better than most."

Bill: "That's enough. Tell them about the track."

Dad: "I thought you weren't participating."

Bill: "Yeah well you're not very good at this. I will have to help you out AGAIN!"

Dad: "Well the tower is about 3 feet tall and there are a few different tracks to run on. At the top is a staging area for two cars with a tip-start feature to have them race. Though, the tracks are different so it's not exactly a fair race. The right lane leads straight down the hill into a loop. The left side leads to a round track that circles downward and into a teeter-totter which can be tilted forward to go down a chicane hill or backward to lead to another tilter which dumps onto a spiral hill."

Bill: "Oh man, remember when Mom would put other toys on the chicane hill? Like the lion, or the stacking rings, or the racoon puppet? That was HILARIOUS!"

Dad: "What was that racoon even DOING on that track? He doesn't belong on the track!"

Bill: "I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Dad: "Classic. The other feature of the GGSWUAP is a little gas station/music player stuck strangely out of place on the side. It plays music and various race announcer phrases. It also has a "smart point" gas station on it which has ridges that contact the little fingers on the bottom of the Smart Wheels to tell the car where it is which causes the car to say different things related to where they are. Certain parts of the tower have these little smart points and they're nice but not really that fun. Bill rarely messes with them except the ones built into the tilters."

Bill: "They don't even work all the time. Too fiddly. Rob and I have races to run."

Dad: "If you've seen other pictures of the GGSWUAP on other sites you may notice Bill's is missing a few bits and bobs. That's because there are a few bits that are super easy to take off so he did. Immediately. Day one. So those got put away for later. There was a Start billboard on top, a little arch over the chicane hill, and a little curved bit of track that attached to the end of the loop. They may be useful later but right now they're just chewing/cat whacking bits."

Bill: "I don't get to have any fun."

Dad: "So the GGSWUAP is definitely a good value. Bill has had it for half a year and it's still his go-to toy. It's a little big at 3 feet long but we have it against the wall in the living room and it's not really that in the way. It's pretty sturdy. Bill basically learned to stand by hanging on to it and stretching to reach the top to put cars on the track. It swayed a bit but he's only knocked it over once or twice. I'd definitely recommend it if you can stand all the songs and tunes. Or you could just not ever put batteries in it and your kids won't be the wiser!"

Bill: "Those poor kids..."

Dad: "What do you think of it, Bill?"

Bill: "It's the best. Two thumbs up. Whatever that means. Up your nose? I don't know."

Dad: "Bill... don't be crass. Go sit with your toy and say cheese!"

Bill: "Cheese!"

Under the Sea

The year is 2035. Global warming has caused the ocean levels to rise and blanket much of the coastal land. President Trump attempted to slow it by suing the icebergs and building a wall around the arctic but it continued unabated. Dad and Bill are sitting on their porch in their undersea home in Oregon.

Bill: "Hey Dad."

Dad: "Hey Buddy."

Bill: "What are you up to?"

Dad: "Just watching the fish go by. Wondering where they come from; where they are headed."

Bill: "It's quite the view, isn't it."

Dad: "It's very pretty. I never imagined that this would be the view I woke up to every morning. Things sure have changed."

Bill: "It's been this way for half of my life so I don't really recall much about how it was before. I see it in pictures and television but it seems so far away. Do you miss it?"

Dad: "Yes and no. There was a time when I was absolutely terrified by change. I was so afraid of it in fact that I didn't grow up and get a real job, or even drivers license, until I was 25."

Bill: "What were you afraid of?"

Dad: "I don't know. Failure maybe. I had an idea of the way life was supposed to be but didn't know if I had it in me to do it. I felt a bit like an ostrich in an aquarium. Like I wasn't equipped to be there and had no idea how to survive once I got there."

Bill: "What changed?"

Dad: "Well your aunt called me one day and said your uncle needed help in his warehouse. I was actually reluctant to do it at the time. I had spent most of my early adult life taking care of your cousins so was used to the stay at home gig just hanging out with kids. But she was pretty insistent."

Bill: "So you took the job?"

Dad: "Yeah. It started out pretty slow. It was a lot different feeling than what I was used to. Took a little while for me to take it seriously.  But I was pretty good at it and eventually went on to be a manager both there and at the company I went to work for after. Of course the biggest change for me was meeting your mom."

Bill: "Reeled her in as soon as you laid eyes on her I bet."

Dad: "Hah! I knew your mom for years before we were together. We were just friends that talked a lot."

Bill: "When did you finally know that you loved her?"

Dad: "When I realized I was a different person when she wasn't around. She made me happy. Sappy as it sounds she made me want to be a better person."

Bill: "I hope I have that one day."

Dad: "I hope you do too, buddy. And when you have it, don't let go."

Bill: "Okay Dad."

Dad: "So, yeah, things are a little different now, but they're not necessarily worse. I think it's pretty nice, actually. It was getting a little boring on land. Change is good."

Bill: "So now that you aren't afraid of change anymore, are you ready for me to teach you how to swim?"

Dad: "Oh look at the time! I need to go start dinner."

Bill: "What happened to change being good?"

Dad: "That's too much change for me. Besides, there are starfish out there. Ick."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1989 Chevy S10 Blazer

Bill: "Why am I next to a pile of garbage? Is it trash day?"

Dad: "I like it!"

Bill: "Dad this is obviously somebody that has just given up. He spun the wheel again with 5 cents and landed on a dollar. He may need professional help."

Dad: "Don't be sexist. It could be a woman's truck."

Bill: "No, see, it can't. Women generally have self respect. Or at least shame if nothing else. This guy has neither."

Dad: "I think he's brave. He knows he's driving a busted 1989ish Chevy S10 Blazer. Probably worth $250 on a good day. So he lifted the body a couple of inches to give it a more powerful stance. Of course the body and frame are separate and the bumper stays with the frame so it's not exactly lined up anymore but he stuck some extra lights on it to cleverly mask it."

Bill: "And then he tied a paintbrush to a blind cat's tail and threw it at the truck?"

Dad: "What it lacks in skill it makes up for in passion. Look at the frantic lines of the waves crashing over the desert isle. The broad vivid strokes in yellowish tone that perfectly capture the golden sunlight of the fading day. The earthy brown dots that could be paint or possibly rust all over the A-pillars and hood. I think it's amazing."

Bill: "I think it's crap."

Dad: "Crap is in the eye of the beholder, Bill. Life is too short to worry about others' opinions. Do what feels right. Do what makes you happy. As Rear Admiral David Glasgow Farragut said during the battle of Mobile Bay on August 5th 1864: 'Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.'"

Bill: "So what you're saying is he trusts who he is and he's just going for it."

Dad: "Exactly! Just be you no matter what anybody thinks."

Bill: "This gives me a whole new perspective on your wardrobe choices."

Dad: "I know, right!"

Bill: "Haters gonna hate."

Dad: "It's what they do, son. It's what they do..."

In the Kitchen with Dad and Bill

Bill: "It's 11:30."

Dad: "Already?"

Bill: "Daylight saving time."

Dad: "Curse you New Zealander George Hudson who first proposed the concept of daylight saving!"

Bill: "Right. So I want pancakes."

Dad: "No."

Bill: "Cookies?"

Dad: "Nuh uh."

Bill: "Mochi?"

Dad: "That is just ice cream. You seem to be going the wrong way."

Bill: "It has dough on it too!"

Dad: "You can have eggs."

Bill: "My favorite! So what do we do first?"

Dad: "You want to help? Okay first we need to pick a vegetable to go in it."

Bill: "Mochi."

Dad: "No. You can have broccoli, spinach, carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, or any combination thereof."

Bill: "I'll take the crab juice."

Dad: "Hehehe... classic Simpsons. Now pick a vegetable."

Bill: "Fine. I'll do broccoli."

Dad: "Excellent choice. Now it's best to start with steamed broccoli but if it's raw or frozen that's fine too you'll just need to steam or microwave it first."

Bill: "Ooh nuke mine so I can get superpowers!"

Dad: "That's not science. Besides everybody knows you need gamma rays for that, not microwaves."

Bill: "Who says?"

Dad: "Neil DeGrasse Tyson."

Bill: "Damn. That checks out."

Dad: "Can we finish? You want to mince up your chosen cooked veg very fine and mix it with two beaten eggs."

Bill: "Why did you chop it up?"

Dad: "To keep you from picking it out."

Bill: "That's dash cunning of you."

Dad: "I know some stuff. Now get a nonstick pan and put it on medium high heat and add a touch of butter and swirl it around."

Bill: "Mochi probably would have been healthier."

Dad: "Ahem. Pour in your egg and veg and, as the egg starts to come together, scrape the bottom to make little egg curdles."

Bill: "Mmm curdles."

Dad: "Now usually I plate when the eggs are together but still a little shiny because, as we all know, done in the pan means overdone on the plate. However you are a baby so for you I like to take the undercooked curdles and form them into a patty and let them stick together. Then I  flip the whole thing as a unit and cook the other side til firm. This allows me to cut the patty up into uniform squares for you to eat instead of a mishmash of scramble bits."

Bill: "I do like square foods. This doesn't look like enough though. Can I get a side of mochi?"

Dad: "I will cube up some whole wheat bread and cheddar. Call it.... deconstructed mochi."

Bill: "I won't be doing that. But, since it's ready, I'll eat it. I'm pretty hungry. Thanks Dad."

Dad: "You're welcome, buddy."

Bill: "Five o'clock will be here before you know it. Do you have a plan for dinner?"

Dad: "Yep."

Bill: "Cake?"

Dad: "Eat your lunch."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1989 Saleen Mustang?

Dad: "Rollin... in my five point oh with my rag top down so my hair can blow.."

Bill: "What's your damage?"

Dad: "That's just a little rap I learned back when I was but a wee lad. A Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle used to sing it. Err.. speak it. Rap it I guess."

Bill: "Gee thanks Grampa, what does that have to do with this car?"

Dad: "This is the car he was talking about! Kindof. Same type, different style. From the outward appearance I believe this might be a 1989 Saleen Mustang 5.0."

Bill: "You don't know for sure on this one either?"

Dad: "Well there are a lot of people pretending their cars are something they are not. This one has the ground effects, ground effects decal, and ridiculous wing of a genuine Saleen though it is missing the decal from the front spoiler as well as the badges."

Bill: "So it's either a fast car to impress the Vanilla Ices of the world or it's a hoopty belonging to a poseur."

Dad: "Agreed."

Bill: "Excellent. Can we go home now?"

Dad: "Don't you want to hear my other rap about hoopties by the great Sir Mix-a-Lot? Myyyyy hoopty rollin, tail pipe draggin, heat don't work and..."

Bill: "I gotta learn to walk..."

The Heist

It's morning and a quiet babbling can be heard through the baby monitor. Eventually it gets louder and Dad goes in to check it out.

Dad: "What's all the  hubbub bub?"

Bill: "We're planning a heist."

Dad: "We?"

Bill: "Yeah. Me and my gang. My enforcer and right hand man Foxy Fox. My driver and lookout Doggy Dog. And Moosey Moose, my accountant."

Dad: "Moosey Moose is your accountant?"

Bill: "Of course. His real name is Moishe Moose Epstein. He tallies up the loot and keeps The Man off our backs. You gotta have an accountant if you are going to have a big time organization."

Dad: "I suppose that makes sense, but it sounded like there was a little trouble on the monitor. What's wrong?"

Bill: "Yeah well there was a little disagreement on the next job. I wanted to go after the cookie stash on the fridge but Doggy Dog thought we should set our sights on the remote control."

Dad: "Did you guys do a list of pros and cons?"

Bill: "Not as such. Doggy Dog got a little pushy with me and Foxy jumped in and said he would cut him if he didn't back off."

Dad: "Whoa! That's a little violent!"

Bill: "Yeah. Doggy and Foxy have been binge watching The Wire on Netflix. That's why Doggy wants the remote in the first place."

Dad: "Well we won't be having any more of that! I'll get you some cookies, Bill, but I'm blocking the Netflix account!"

Dad goes off to get cookies.

Bill: "Wow. It worked."

Moosey Moose: "I told you it would. Parents are silly. The Wire isn't on Netflix. Besides, there aren't even any Muppets on that show. DISINTERESTED! "

Foxy Fox: "Yeah. We'll probably get to watch double the amount of Sesame Street now to 'deprogram' us."

Bill: "Well it would have been nice to have the remote so we could skip the stupid Abby's Flying Fairy School segments, but we got what we wanted."

Doggy Dog: "Say, doesn't your dad have a remote control app on his phone?"

Bill: "Gentlemen... we have work to do."

Dad the builder

Bill: "What are you working on in the garage?"

Dad: "I'm building a table for the dining room."

Bill: "We already have a table there."

Dad: "Yeah well that one is plastic and folds. This is made with, you know, wood."

Bill: "Sounds expensive. Did mom approve of this?"

Dad: "It was basically her idea! Besides it's super cheap to make it yourself. I'm doing one of those rustic farmhouse tables and a bench that are all the rage nowadays. The wood and bits only cost like 80 bucks!"

Bill: "Wow so you only spent 80 bucks on this project? That is a good deal."

Dad: "Well I had to get a few tools and such. Needed a drill, circular saw, sander, hand saw, block plane, various bits and attachments... but your Papa gave me a router so that saved a few bucks!"

Bill: "You didn't already have any of those things? Haven't you ever built anything before?"

Dad: "Well... I've built a lot of computers."

Bill: "But nothing out of wood?"

Dad: "When I was little my Grandpa Clubb have me a bunch of wood scraps, some nails, and a hammer. I built a heck of a building out of that."

Bill: "Yeah? So was your mom stoked about her prodigal son?"

Dad: "Yes and no. I built a tower but had trouble getting it to stand up so I nailed it to the porch. In front of the door. She couldn't get outside to see it but it looked real neat from the window I'm told."

Bill: "Okay so you spent a bunch of money to build a table when your only experience is making a doorstop."

Dad: "A table and a bench!"

Bill: "Right. So does mom know about this capital outlay?"

Dad: "Mostly."

Bill: "Maybe I should have a discussion with her. Although, since you are in a spending mood, I could use a new Vtech car."

Dad: "You can't talk. Besides, that's blackmail. I raised you better than that."

Bill: "You raised me to be smart. And I have a long memory. Right now I just want a toy. Who knows what I might want by the time I can talk. It could get expensive."

Dad: "New toy it is!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1989 VW Westfalia

Dad: "Here's a fun little autobus. This one is an umm... let's call it 1989 VW Westfalia."

Bill: "Whoa, big bad dad doesn't know exactly what this one is this time eh?"

Dad: "Well VWs are a bit hard to peg down sometimes. They tend to not change much from year to year unless they need to. Very practical and Prussian of them."

Bill: "I don't know what that means. I also don't know what VW means. Is that the guy's initials?"

Dad: "It stands for Volkswagen. Which of course means "people's car."

Bill: "Why don't they just call it Peoplescar?"

Dad: "They did. But it's in German. That's a different language so they have different words."

Bill: "Why is it in German when you said it was Prussian?"

Dad: "That's a very interesting question! You see, it all started with the Teutonic Knights and..."

*Bill's eyes glaze over*

Bill: "Save it. We'll just say because of knights and stuff."

Dad: "I never get to tell my stories..."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1994 Land Rover Defender

Bill: "Alright what's on tap for today?"

Dad: "This, son, is the mighty British Land Rover Defender 90. This one is the 1994 NAS (North American Specification) edition with left hand drive."

Bill: "Sweet! What does that mean?"

Dad: "Well this car may have been produced fairly recently but the actual design was getting on 60 years old at the point this was made. There were a few safety regulations that the Brits had to meet before they could sell this here. Plus they had to move the steering wheel over, of course"

Bill: "Why was the steering wheel on the wrong side?"

Dad: "Well because the Brits drive on the left side of the road instead of the right."

Bill: "Why would they do that?"

Dad: "Probably something to do with knights and chivalry. Or possibly they just like being contrary. I dunno, look it up."

Bill: "I can't read."

Dad: "Well then it was definitely knights."

Eggsistential crisis

Bill: "Dad, why are we here?"

Dad: "Wow. I thought I'd have more time before this came up.

Nobody really knows why we are here. This world we are on is an infinitesimally small speck in the vast soup bowl of the universe and we are an infinitesimally small speck on this world. Since humans came along, billions of  people have been born; they've had families; they've had thoughts, dreams, hopes, and aspirations; some lived for a short while and others for a long fruitful life; and the world just keeps spinning. It's awe inspiring and yet, even with all of these billions of lives, the scope of it all can make you feel isolated and alone and can make it all seem a little meaningless.

Some try to ground themselves in religion or spirituality in order to make sense of it all. Christianity, Hindu, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, Shinto, Sikhism, Baha'i, Jainism, Tenriism, et al. They all have their strong points and faults but at the end of the day nobody really knows what is wrong and what is right. Most believe we are created by some higher power or deity while some believe we are reincarnated when we die and come back to live as other creatures. I was raised Christian but it didn't really take. I was athiest for a while but those guys are kinda dicks and I'm not so much against religion as I just don't care. You do you, I say. I think the main point is if people remember you and loved you then you will live forever with them regardless of the choice of beliefs.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody knows why we are here. Just be a good person and be happy and the rest will sort itself out. Does that answer your question?"

Bill: "Uhh.. not really. I meant why are we here... at the store?"

Dad: "Oh. Well we gotta get eggs."

Bill: "Yasss! I love eggs!"

Dad: "I know you do, buddy."

Bill: "Hey Dad, if chickens come from eggs... where did the eggs come from?"

Dad: "I dunno. Probably some chicken God. Or the Big Bang."

Bill: "Hehehe... Bazinga!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1973 MG Midget

Bill: "This is just my size! What is this one called?"

Dad: "This is a 1973 MG Midget."

Bill: "Whoa whoa whoa... you can't just go saying that. It's "little people". You know that "Little People, Big World" is filmed like 12 miles from your house right. Educate yourself.

Dad: "I didn't name it! It's a classic British roadster. It was made back in a different time where things weren't as black and white.

Bill: "I think you mean African American and Funk Deficient Person.

Dad: "You're acting awfully strange. What have you been up to?"

Bill: "Just making new friends. Meeting new people."

Dad: "Uh huh, and was this in Portland?"

Bill: "I may have been having a Flat White at Stumptown with some new mates. We like to go there to talk about current events and what we can do to make things better."

Dad: "You know Stumptown sold out to Peet's right? They're not independent anymore. They're Starbucks south."

Bill: "Ugh. This is like when mom started liking Arcade Fire. I'm so disillusioned."

Dad: "Meh. Being a hipster is now mainstream anyway. Do you want to go to the swings?"

Bill: "Yes. Yes I do. But first, is the MG Little Person a cool car?"

Dad: "Well it's a tiny car with a 60hp engine which is dangerous over 55mph and rusts to nothing with a little morning dew, but chicks like it and it's fun to drive and best of all it's cheap."

Bill: "You had me at chicks."

Dad: "That's my boy. Let's go swing."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1968 Plymouth Fury II

Bill: "Here I am next to a big car."

Dad: "This is your choice then? A 1968 Plymouth Fury II that has seen better days?"

Bill: "Yep. This is a man's car."

Dad: "I guess. If that man is looking for a boat anchor with a trunk large enough to fit a twin mattress with room left over for luggage. Driving this must be like steering a Carnival Cruise ship. A slow one."

Bill: "Maybe. I wouldn't know. I'm a baby."

Dad: "Ok so what makes this unpopular mid 60s monument to American excess a cool car?"

Bill: "Well this car looks like hell, probably gets 6 miles to the gallon, is worth basically nothing as a collector's item, is most likely a pain to drive and maintain, yet it has survived for almost 50 years. Here it sits on the streets of Beaverton where gas is still $2.50 a gallon yet somebody thinks it's worth it to use as their daily driver."

Dad: "So it's cool because somebody thinks it's cool? My mom thinks I'm cool, does that make me cool?"

Bill: "If you have to ask somebody if you're cool, you're not cool."

Dad: "At least I don't poop my pants."

Bill: "Better than having to clean up somebody who poops their pants."

Dad: "Pretty sure it's your naptime."

Review time! - Little Blue Truck

Dad: Today we're going to review the board book The Little Blue Truck.

Bill: Beep beep beep!

Dad: Beep indeed! This is one of the first books that we purchased for Bill and I've personally read it so many times that I don't even bother looking at the pages anymore.

Bill: Well, I do flip through them awfully fast. In my defense, some of them are a little boring.

Dad: Yes the art is well done but there are a few pages that are basically just brown schmeres. It's like a bagel with chocolate frosting. To be fair, the book does depict a lot of mud, however I would have liked it to be a little brighter, especially for younger children.

Bill: The pages are delicious though.

Dad:  You do add your own personal touches that's for sure. The story itself is a feel-good tale of an amiable little anthropomorphic Model T-esque truck named Blue who..

Bill: Wait what does anthropoplexic mean?

Dad: Anthropomorphic. It means that it's an inanimate object that is given human characteristics. Like eyes and such.

Bill: So why not just say a truck with eyes?

Dad: Because I rarely get to use cool words like anthropomorphic.

Bill: Okay fine carry on then.

Dad: So Blue putters around saying hi to the neighborhood farm animals when a pushy Dump flies through the countryside far too busy to say hi to anybody and ends up swooshing into a big mud puddle and getting stuck. Will Blue and the animals help him? Will he be stuck there forever and rust into bits? You'll have to read it to find out!

Bill: I like the part where the animals don't want to help the Dump and show him their butts. Then Blue jumps in and tries to help and gets stuck. And then the animals help Blue push. It's a great book!

Dad: Way to ruin the ending.

Bill: Meh. I've heard the story dozens of times and it's still one of my favorites. They'll get over it.

Dad: I suppose. In summation: It's a high quality book and has held up to a lot of abuse without the spine cracking and with only a few dents in the edges. The story moves at a good pace with a lot of opportunity to vocalize animal sounds with the kids which they always enjoy as well as several "Beep beep beeps!" from Blue. I like to give Bill a little bounce on my knee to each "beep!" which helps to keep his attention on the book.

Bill: I do like a good bounce.

Dad: So it's a definite recommendation for me. Bill?

Bill: It's probably my favorite book. Instant classic!

Dad: There you go! As an aside, I did check out some of the other Blue books
and they seem to lack something that this first book has so I'd stick with this one if you have to choose.

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1998 Mitsubishi 3000GT

Bill: "What the hell's this?"

Dad: "What the hell is what? And watch your language."

Bill: "This isn't a classic car. It's a mid 90s piece of plastic."

Dad: "This, son, is a 1998 Mitsubishi 3000GT. It's a very popular and collectible car. The VR4 version is all-wheel drive AND all-wheel steer with twin turbos producing 320 horsepower good for a 0-60 of around 5.5 seconds!"

Bill: "Uh huh, so this is a VR4 then?"

Dad: "Well, no, it's an SL but it still has a turbo V6 good for 218 horsepower and mid 6 second 0-60."

Bill: "That's decent I suppose, for a chick car."

Dad: "Don't be misogynistic. It's not a chick car."

Bill: "It has a fuzzy bit on the steering wheel, dangly bits from the mirror, a small panda toy on the dash, and I believe it has a cushy cover on the passenger seatbelt."

Dad: "Well, ok maybe this particular one may be owned by a female, but that doesn't mean anything."

Bill: "Whatever. Take your photo then. I'll be picking the next car."

Dad: "I liked it better when we didn't have imaginary conversations."