Dad and Bill Watching the Youtubes - AvE

Dad: "Put on your safety squints and get ready to watch the greatest vid-jay-oh tool guy on the Youtubes. AvE."

Bill: "Avenue? Ants vs Ears? Apples vs Everyone?"

Dad: "No, just AvE. Apparently it stands for Arduino vs Evil but I don't know what that means. All I know is I went in expecting just a squirt and I got the whole bachelor party"

Bill: "I don't think that's an appropriate way to talk on a professional website."

Dad: "Better get used to it. It's a direct quote from the man himself."

Bill: "So that's his deal then? Just spouting 'edgy' things and generally being an American buffoon?"

Dad: "Nope. Canadian. Just north of us in British Columbia. And he is far more than a source of wonderfully imaginative exclamations. He takes everyday machines and opens them up to explain to you what is really going on."

Bill: "Mansplaining?"

Dad: "No he actually knows what he's talking about! I'm pretty sure he has some type of electrical or mechanical engineering background because he'll take apart a tool or machine and go through all the little widgets and spinnamathings and tell you what they are, what they do, and generally where the companies are ripping you off. He doesn't do paid reviews or any of that so it's honest opinions with no bull."

Bill: "That sounds pretty useful. So just a tool review site then basically?"

Dad: "Well he has lots of helpful tips and little bits of knowledge. Some of his videos are long 30 minute jobbies and some are short 2 minute clips of him sticking a paperclip in an outlet to show that only one side of the outlet is dangerous."

Bill: "Hmm... got a paperclip?"

Dad: "Don't try this at home. Dad's hand is more dangerous than electricity."

Bill: "Point taken."

Dad: "Anyway like I said he makes taking apart a tool seem incredibly entertaining. That said, the video quality is not over the top, the overlays and screen text is functional at best, and he does have some awkward abrupt cuts. But he says really entertaining things. He actually reminds me a whole lot of your Grampa in Canada."

Bill: "How so?"

Dad: "He thinks most people/companies are crooks and makes up words and nicknames for everything. Most of which are not PC."

Bill: "Examples?"

Dad: "Well here's a quick AvE vocabulary lesson:"

Schmoo: Goo or mank

Magic Pixies: Electricity

Son of a diddly: You can imagine this one

Grand du Marteau: Big ass hammer

Jelly Bean Parts: Any cheap little generic piece of a machine. Usually easily broken

Guangzhou Charlie: The person you get the jelly bean parts from

Skookum: Big, strong, valuable, works well. It basically means it's a good thing

Chooch: Any action a machine can have. If something spins, fires, flames, whatever, it chooches

Skookum Choocher: Something that is good at what it does. If a nail gun can shoot through a 6 inch board it's probably a skookum choocher

Chooched its last chooch: It's broken

Thumb Detecting Nut Fucker: A crescent wrench. Usually this one:

Bill: "Is there going to be a quiz?"

Dad: "Nope but we have some vid-jay-ohs to watch."

Bill: "Great. Seriously though... next time can we do Thomas or something? I don't know what your obsession is with Canadian tool guys."

Dad: "Maybe. I do have a bit of a backlog."

Bill: "Perhaps I should just start writing my own blog."

Dad: "Perhaps you should finally start talking!"

Bill: "I didn't want a blog that much anyway."

Labor Day Special

Bill: "Isn't it Monday today? Why are the neighbours home?"

Dad: "It's Labor Day!"

Bill: "Soo... Why isn't there more labor happening? Sounds more like No-Labor Day."

Dad: "Labor Day is when we celebrate the working man by not working. We all just hang out, eat hot dogs, and drink beer."

Bill: "Wow that's pretty sweet. The government actually did something right for a change. So what happens if you forget to buy something for your Labor Day bash or you just don't want hot dogs if everything is closed."

Dad: "Well stores and restaurants generally aren't closed. Some actually have big Labor Day sales so they can be pretty busy."

Bill: "At least nurses have the day off so mom is home."

Dad: "It just happens to be her day off. Nurses have to work most holidays."

Bill: "So basically the workers who matter most get the shaft. Who does get the day off then?"

Dad: "Bankers, lawyers, government workers, professional type people, etc."

Bill: "Are you serious with your face right now? The big day off for workers is only for people who already get like 5 weeks of vacation a year anyway? Meanwhile those that bust ass for minimum wage get to serve them?"

Dad: "Some ass busters get the day off depending on who they work for but yes for the most part the service industry and healthcare get nothing."

Bill: "Well here is to the folks who don't get to enjoy the day set aside just for them. We couldn't get by without you. Happy Labor Day."

A Minor Plunder

Bill: "Dad, I think it's time to get some booty"

Dad: "Hubba-wha?"

Bill: "Booty. We need booty."

Dad: "I really didn't think this day would come so soon. You must be some kind of booty prodigy! So, my son, what kind of booty are you looking for?"

Bill: "Umm, the white kind?"

Dad: "Oh Bill, Bill, sweet simple Bill... don't limit yourself! There's a whole world of booty out there! White, black, yellow, red, various shades of brown! It's like a booty buffet!"

Bill: "Really? I thought there was just the one kind. You know, crunchy... and cheesy."

Dad: "Are those some kind of hipster terms? I really should check out urbandictionary more often to keep up on the lingo..."

Bill: "Surely you've had booty before. You know what I'm talking about."

Dad: "Well I've had a little booty, don't get me wrong. I'm not what the kids today call a 'playa' but I did alright. Nowadays I just have the one and it's great, you know, high quality imported stuff but sometimes... sometimes I envy your freedom."

Bill: "Freedom... to get booty?"

Dad: "Freedom to live, Bill! To live! To be wild and free. Sow your proverbial oats. Explore the world and its booty bounty! The world is your oyster!"

Bill: "Right. Well for now how about we just go to the store and get the bog standard regular old Pirate's Booty."

Dad: "Pirate's Booty?"

Bill: "Yes. You know, the baked cheese snack? What did you think I was talking about?"

Dad: "Uhh, nothing. Pirate's Booty of course."

Bill: "Is this something I should discuss with mom?"

Dad: "No no that doesn't really... no. Don't bother your mom with this. She's very busy! She's a beautiful and sweet hard working woman who should be loved and praised and doted on at all times. Some say she's like... the best woman. The best."

Bill: "Hmm... can I get cookies too?"

Dad: "Yes. Yes you can."

Bill: "And a new Thomas book?"

Dad: "Absolutely."

Bill: "Y'arr!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1941 Chevrolet Master Deluxe

Bill: "Oh man this takes me back to my days with the mob."

Dad: "I'm sorry, what?

Bill: "You know, wise guys? La Cosa Nostra? The Mafia dad! Jeez get a load of this jamook."

Dad: "Bill you're about to turn 2."

Bill: "I know! It seems so long ago..."

Dad: "So you were in a gang."

Bill: "It's not a gang, Dad. It's a Family. And I was the Boss."

Dad: "Right. Was there anybody else in this Family?"

Bill: "Sure! Foxxy Fox was my Consigliere. He helped make sure I thought things out when I got a little crazy. Moosey Moose was the capo of my crew making sure things went my way. And of course there was Doug."

Dad: "Doug? You mean Doggy Dog?"

Bill: "Yeah he had to change his name because of Snoop. Trademark issues."

Dad: "What did Doug do for you?"

Bill: "Made me laugh, mostly. He had floppy ears."

Dad: "I see. So what did your gang do exactly?"

Bill: "Ran numbers, mostly."

Dad: "Why numbers?"

Bill: "Because I don't know my letters yet. Way to make a guy feel bad, Dad. I'm not even 2!"

Dad: "Sorry, sorry. So how does numbers running work?"

Bill: "Well first we would turn on Sesame Street. Then we'd wait for The Count to start doing his thing. You know... counting. And then we'd run!"

Dad: "That makes no sense but go on."

Bill: "That's it. It was quite the racket."

Dad: "So why aren't you running numbers in the gang anymore?"

Bill: "Somebody made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

Dad: "Another mob boss?"

Bill: "Nah, Thomas the Tank Engine. Sesame Street is old news."

Dad: "Okay fine. So how exactly does this car remind you of your gang days?"

Bill: "It doesn't. I was just bored. I made it all up. I had you snowed, old man!"

Dad: "You are the master, Bill."

Bill: "Master Deluxe more like."

Dad and Bill Watching the Youtubes - Matthias Wandel

Bill: "Sweet. YOUTUBE TIME! What are we watching? Elmo? Thomas? Elmo and Thomas crossover?"

Dad: "Today we're going to watch a nice Canadian fellow doing some woodworking."

Bill: "He'll be making Thomas toys from wood then?"

Dad: "Nope! Mostly he'll be doing this."



Bill: "Uhhh?"

Dad: "Just kidding. Well, kinda. A lot of projects do end like that."

Bill: "Well, it looks Canadian so far. Like Juste Pour Rire but more funny. So what's his schtick?"

Dad: "He's very interesting actually. He's the son of German parents who immigrated to Canada in the 80s. His father was a woodworker and built a tourist camp in Northern Ontario which the family stayed at during the summers."

Bill: "Fascinating. Like Meatballs but with old German people."



Bill: "Stop that!"

Dad: "Anyway, Matthias used to be an engineer for RIM working on the Blackberry."

Bill: "That poor bastard..."

Dad: "Yeah well, it was state of the art once! His engineering perspective makes his woodworking videos very interesting. He doesn't go in for a lot of decorative touches but instead focuses on function and durability."

Bill: "So it's ugly but it works?"

Dad: "Basically. Especially when it comes to his favorite green paint color he puts on all of his machines."

Bill: "He paints the tools he buys green? Don't they come already painted in Canada?"

Dad: "That's the cool part. Most of his projects are actually about making tools! Table saws, bandsaws, weird tenoning and pattern copying router machines. It's really super interesting. He even makes gears from wood."

Bill: "And then he paints them green."

Dad: "Usually!"

Bill: "You know mom won't let you build any dangerous machines out of wood right? Your thumbs don't work."

Dad: "That's why I keep the garage full of spiders. That way she is too scared to look in there! What she doesn't know won't hurt me."

Bill: "And what you don't know probably will hurt you."



Bill: "Seriously is there any point to all that jumping?"

Dad: "It's an important safety check, Bill. You don't want to one day find yourself needing to jump on your desk and crash to the floor as it shatters into pieces and leaves you helpless and writhing in agony while everybody laughs and points."

Bill: "I'll take my chances."

Dad: "Suit yourself, but he's already saved a few lives with his tests. Here's one that went poorly:"



Bill: "HAHAHAHA! He fell right on his butt. That's classic Juste Pour Rire GOLD right there. This guy is okay I suppose."

Dad: "I'm sure he appreciates your approval. I'm assuming we'll give Matthias Wandel's Woodworking for Engineers the Dad and Bill Seal of Approval?"

Bill: "Yeah fine. Can we watch Elmo now?"

Dad: "Sure, just as soon as I put some more Spider Chow in the garage. I have some work to do!"

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp

*Please note that this picture is old but the conversation is fresh!




Bill: "I think they took this one off the assembly line early. Forgot the paint. What is this, a 1975 Halfass?"

Dad: "No it's a 1973 Plymouth Valiant Scamp."

Bill: "That's a lot of names for a halfass car."

Dad: "Well it's a Plymouth Valiant but Scamp is the variant."

Bill: "Like a weasel?"

Dad: "Not varmint. Variant. It's when they add doodads to a car and give it a nickname to set it apart from the base model. Lots of things and people have nicknames. Even me!"

Bill: "I heard that guy you almost hit in the crosswalk the other day call you something. Was that your nickname?"

Dad: "No. No it wasn't. I've actually had several nicknames. When I was little some people called me Bink."

Bill: "Well it's not cool but it's better than what that one guy called you. Anything else?"

Dad: "In sixth grade they called me Elvis."

Bill: "Because of your singing voice and way with the ladies?"

Dad: "No I just didn't like to get my hair cut."

Bill: "Man I hope I'm not lame when I get older. Is that it?"

Dad: "When the internet came along I went by Fozzie."

Bill: "Makes sense. I've seen your back when your shirt is off."

Dad: "No, it's.. well okay sure but it's mostly because I'm hilarious."

Bill: "Especially when your shirt is off."

Dad: "Whatever, Bill!"

Bill: "Does Mom have a nickname?"

Dad: "I call her Goomba."

Bill: "Why?"

Dad: "Well when we were first together she did something silly and I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I'd been watching a lot of The Sopranos at the time. It sounded appropriate."

Bill: "What's a Goomba?"

Dad: "Well it's supposedly a term of endearment in the mafia type circles but it sounds like an insult to me. It's also the name of the mushroom head guys in Mario."

Bill: "So you call my mom a mushroom headed mafioso?"

Dad: "Well when you put it that way it sounds rude. Way to ruin it, Bill!"

Bill: "I'm surprised she doesn't call you what that guy in the crosswalk did..."

Dad: "Yeah well she has but I'm sure she meant it in the nicest way."

Bill: "Pretty sure that word can't be used in a nice way, but keep hoping."

The Perfect Box

Bill: "What are you doing?"

Dad: "Breaking down boxes. Want to help?"

Bill: "Sounds great but no. Why are you breaking down boxes?"

Dad: "To put in the recycling bin. Waste not want not, I say."

Bill: "What about all those boxes in the garage? Are you going to recycle those?"

Dad: "Well those I'm saving in case we move again. They're pretty good boxes."

Bill: "And these aren't?"

Dad: "These are okay, but I've developed an eye for boxes. My first job was working in a warehouse and we'd be asked to ship stuff out and it was my job to pack them up. We didn't buy new boxes so we'd break down boxes we received in and use them again. We'd get in all kinds of shapes and sizes and finding the perfect box to fit a shipment was my favorite thing."

Bill: "You need to get out more."

Dad: "Boxes are important. You want to make sure that it's big enough to fit everything inside but not so big as to allow the contents to bounce around and get damaged. It's a lot like life really."

Bill: "Boring?"

Dad: "No. Well, sometimes, but I mean a metaphorical box. A structure that we live in either by choice or circumstance. When I was growing up I had several boxes. Some were too small so I felt squeezed and squished. I couldn't move or grow. Some were so big that I didn't know what to do, where to start, or where to go. I just bounced around inside as it was tossed about."

Bill: "So why didn't you just look for a box that you were happy with?"

Dad: "It's hard. Sometimes you think that a box is perfect because it's popular and lots of people choose a similar one but for some reason there are little things about you that don't quite fit in. You can try to fit anyway and maybe those bits will bend or break so that you can conform with the dimensions inside but then you won't be the same. You have to decide if fitting into that box is worth losing a bit of yourself."

Bill: "What's the alternative?"

Dad: "Well you can choose an unpopular box. Something nobody else really wants but you are comfortable in. Then of course you risk not stacking well with the boxes of your friends or family. Maybe your box is smaller, or bigger, or triangle shaped. It can sometimes push your box away from theirs leaving gaps and space where once there wasn't any."

Bill: "Sounds a little scary."

Dad: "It can be. It just depends on what kind of person you are really."

Bill: "So what happens if I choose a box that doesn't fit with yours?"

Dad: "The wonderful thing about these boxes is they can be altered any time you want. I'd change my box for you no matter what shape you choose. Even a rhombus!"

Bill: "I don't know if I'm a rhombus guy or not."

Dad: "I'm just saying. If you need a rhombus, I'm all about it."

Bill: "We'll see. So what about you? Are you still looking for the perfect box?"

Dad: "No, Bill. I can say that I'm finally happy with my box. Right here next to yours and your mom's."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1966 Ford Mustang Shelby GT350H

Bill: "Is that yet another Mustang? That's like our 4th one!"

Dad: "Fifth, actually. But I think we've only talked about 1 or 2. Besides, this one is special."

Bill: "Because it has racing stripes?"

Dad: "Because it's worth more than all of the other ones combined times 5. This is the ultra rare Shelby GT350-H. Hertz Rent-a-Car ordered 1000 of these specially made for their company. 306 horsepower and 329 lb-ft of torque meant that you could get to that important business meeting and still have time to hit the bar. Mad Men style."

Bill: "Why would anybody need to rent what is basically a racecar?"

Dad: "Shits and giggles, mostly. Though there were some who did in fact rent them to take to the track. There are stories of the rental shops getting them back with clear evidence of somebody having added a temporary roll cage. There were even some who took the engine out to put into their own car for track day and replaced it when they were done. That way they wouldn't risk damaging the car."

Bill: "Hope they sprung for the extra insurance."

Dad: "Well since it was only $17 per day to rent, I'm sure they had enough left over for that."

Bill: "Sounds like a bad play by the rental car company."

Dad: "Well it was really about free advertising for the Ford Mustang. Hertz struck a deal with Ford and Shelby and got them cheaper than they would have otherwise."

Bill: "So I guess Hertz eventually got out of the racecar rental game?"

Dad: "Yeah. Eventually the cars that were left over were sold off. Of course it's a bad idea to buy rental cars since they are generally abused so they didn't sell for nearly as much as they would've otherwise. Today, however, this car routinely sells for $150,000 at auction."

Bill: "That's a spicy meatball."

Dad: "Ole!"

Bill: "That's not Italian."

Dad: "Yeah well..."

Bill: "Well that's too bad. It'd have been nice to rent a racecar sometime."

Dad: "They did make a special edition 2006 Shelby GT-H for Hertz but..."

Bill: "It just isn't the same."

Dad: "Nope."

Bill: "Think he'll give us a ride?"

Dad: "You're not riding in that deathtrap. Besides, lots of modern cars can beat the pants off of one of these in 0-60 time, cornering ability, and definitely fuel economy."

Bill: "Looks cool though."

Dad: "That it does, buddy."

You know what's wrong with Canada?

Dad: "You know what's wrong with Canada, Bill?"

Bill: "Ineffective decisionmaking-by-committee in both government and the private sector, inflated economic gains caused by a housing bubble, a weak dollar, the use of Zed instead of Zee, the Trans Pacific Partnership, Quebec..."

Dad: "No, no, no, none of that matters to real people. Canada's problem is it doesn't brand itself well."

Bill: "Canada is one of the most popular countries worldwide. The Canadian people get free run through most other modern states. Unlike you, we aren't looked down upon by more civilized countries. Our brand is untarnished."

Dad: "Yeah well... I do still have that Canadian flag lapel pin your Nana gave me in case I end up in Europe or something. INCOGNITO! But no that isn't what I mean. I mean when they have something good they rarely stand up and beat their chest and say 'Ca Na Da! Ca Na Da!'."

Bill: "Example?"

Dad: "What's the best show on TV right now?"

Bill: "Game of Thrones."

Dad: "Okay but what's the best show not on overpriced pay cable?"

Bill: "Sesame Street."

Dad: "Sorry, that was bought by HBO too."

Bill: "Damn, really? Ok what is it?"

Dad: "Orphan Black! It's on BBC America."

Woo Clone Club!

Bill: "So it's British? What does that have to do with Canada?"

Dad: "They only make you think it's British! It's actually COMPLETELY Canadian. The creators are Canadian. The actors, though they have flawless English accents, are mostly Canadian. It's filmed in Canada. Nowhere does it say it's Canadian. It's like they just made the show and said 'Here you go, England. We owe you this for... like... letting us exist and stuff. Thanks!'"

Bill: "Well we don't like to be too overbearing, unlike some countries. Besides that's just one show."

Dad: "It goes on! Do you know what my favorite TV show was when I was a kid?"

Bill: "Red Shoe Diaries."

Thumbs up to you too, Dave!
Inspirational Work!

Dad: "Well, that was later, but when I was little it was You Can't Do That on Television. And I had no idea it was Canadian. It even had Alanis Morrisette! Though at the time I thought she was a boy. I didn't know many Alanisii in the US and she had a really short haircut."

Ahh... green slime. A jagged little pill indeed.

Bill: "You aughta know."

Dad: "Aughta, but dinnae. There's also Red Green on PBS. A show I thought was about a good ol boy from possibly Minnesota or something fixing stuff with Duct tape. Turns out that's Canadian. And let's not forget everybody's favorite chill-out show How It's Made. It's totally Canadian. The Discovery Science channel pretty much shows that nonstop!"

Bill: "Counterpoint. There are a ton of shows that we wish Canada wouldn't take credit for. For instance, have you seen Canadian Idol? How about Project Runway Canada? Sesame Park nee Sesame Street Canada is a particularly atrocious entry. Louis the Francophone Otter? Really?"

Dad: "Yeah well those are just rehashes of other countries' shows. Their original stuff is better."

Bill: "Dad for every Orphan Black there's a Littlest Hobo. For every Corner Gas there's a Beachcombers."

Corner Gas's best moment.

Dad: "Corner Gas wasn't great."

Bill: "It had it's moments. The point is that if you make enough shows eventually one is going to be good. It's the law of averages. We can't just go cheering every show to come along. And if we wait till after the show is good to start cheering for it we'll just sound like Kansas City Royals fans."

Dad: "I've always cheered for the Royals! We're number 1! USA! USA!"

Bill: "I rest my case."

Review Time! - There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly or: This is what's wrong with America

Dad: "This is unacceptable."

Bill: "Calm down, pops. Don't have a coronary."

Dad: "I'll not be calm! I'll not be! I purchased this book in good faith assuming that the story would be the same as it always was. Instead it's some wussified nonsense."

Bill: "What's the big deal?"

Dad: "The big deal, Bill, is that this Lucille Colandro person took a beloved tale of a woman hoisted by her own petard due to her sheer stupidity and turned it into a buddy comedy."

Bill: "This is a professional review so back it up and tell the folks what is wrong."

Dad: "Alright. We all know the story of the old lady who swallows a harmless fly and then loses her shit eating every animal in sight faster than a fat man choking down steak at Golden Corral trying to get it out."

Bill: "It's all you can eat for a reasonable price. And they have surprisingly delicious steak. It's a no brainer."

Dad: "Damn right it's a no brainer, Bill. Golden Corral is amazing. But the point is that, through her overwhelming hubris, she assumes she can get this pesky fly out using increasingly large animals to chase eachother through her bowels and she just assumes it'll all work out."

Bill: "Well it is a kid's book. Usually everything works out in the end and everybody lives happily ever after."

Dad: "Not in the old days, Bill! In the old days we had the brothers Grimm and their books of sadistic child horrors. Of course even those were toned down by Disney. Heck even Shel Silverstein had a tale about a snail that lived up your nose that would bite your finger off if you put it in too far."

Bill: "That's messed up."

Dad: "Probably but it's necessary to keep kids from doing stupid things."

Bill: "So you don't pick your nose then?"

Dad: "Well I'm not a kid anymore so I can do as I please."

Bill: "Right. So anyway, back to the book at hand. What happens in this that set you off so much?"

Dad: "Well, Bill, there are several things. Firstly, in the original book, right after she eats the fly she eats a spider that wriggles and jiggles and tickles inside her. In this book that part is skipped."

Bill: "She doesn't eat a spider in this one?"

Dad: "Oh she eats the spider alright. It just doesn't wriggle and jiggle and tickle."

Bill: "Uh huh. Sounds crucial to the plot."

Dad: "It is! It adds some important alliteration to each verse that breaks up the monotony of reading 'she swallowed the cow to catch the goat she swallowed the goat to catch the dog she swallowed the dog to catch the cat' etc. over and over."

Bill: "Anything else?"

Dad: "And how! At the end of each verse instead of saying 'perhaps she'll die' she says 'she won't say why'. This is stupid both for the lack of foreshadowing to give the impression that perhaps it's not a good idea to eat hundreds of pounds of farm animals but also because the full text is 'I don't know why she swallowed that fly. She won't say why'. So they say 'why' like... twice in a row. Dumb."

Bill: "Yeah that does sound kinda iffy. So what happens after she eats all these things?"

Dad: "Oh this part is the delicious chocolate waterfall coating your Golden Corral cotton candy served on a slice of apple pie. Get this: At the end of the book she COUGHS and all the animals fly out and they're all just super best friends."

Bill: "Ok that's stupid. Why didn't she just cough out the fly to begin with if it was that easy?"

Dad: "I KNOW BILL! Not to mention the fact that these dumb animals were just eaten and pitted against eachother in some kind of gastronomical kumite and they're just totally fine with that."

Bill: "Well that sews it up. This book is garbage."

Dad: "It gets worse."

Bill: "No way!"

Dad: "Way! This isn't the only book. A cursory scan of Amazon also has 10+ separate books with titles like 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Frog!', 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Shell!', 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Desk!', and 'There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed Some Books!'."

Bill: "What the hell, dude. Do people buy those things?"

Dad: "They actually have 3.5-5 stars! It's madness!"

Bill: "That sounds like bad parenting."

Dad: "It's what's wrong with America, Bill. Too many stupid parents."

Bill: "So do you want to read the book?"

Dad: "Of course. I paid like 7 bucks for this thing. But in my version the old lady is gonna die. A lot."

Bill: "Excellent. You're the best dad."

Dad: "I know, son."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1956 and 1957 Ford Thunderbird

Bill: "Hey, nice car. Wish it was blue.. like my eyes"

Dad: "Poof! It's blue!"




Bill: "That's crazy!"

Dad: "I know, right! And I changed your clothes and turned us around!"

Bill: "Waitaminute...."

Dad: "Ok ok. It's just two versions of the same car found in the exact same spot on separate days. You got me."

Bill: "How come one has bumper boobies and the other doesn't?"

Dad: "Those are bullets, not boobies. Fins, bumper bullets, and wheel spinners were the style at the time because they gave the cars a sense of speed even when they were sitting still. Like a bullet or a jet."

Bill: "Well I'm not big on the bumper boobies but I do like those vents in the front quarterpanels. Makes it look like a shark!"

Dad: "That it does."

Bill: "It even has a porthole window in the top. I'm assuming that's for underwater use."

Dad: "Nah, just another one of those things that were the style at the time. It actually offers very little visibility and doesn't really fit with the lines of the car. Most of the accoutrements were little more than shiny fluff serving no purpose."

Bill: "Tim Gunn would say they should use an editing eye."

Dad: "Probably. They are a little flamboyant by today's standards. But, compared to some of the other cars of the era, they're downright subdued and streamlined."

Bill: "So do they still make Thunderbirds?"

Dad: "Nah. After the 1957 models they got a little nuts with regards to size. In the 70s they were basically battleships on wheels. My dad had one of those models. Terrible cars. Though, it did stand up well when tested against a smaller car head on."

Bill: "He wrecked it?"

Dad: "Kinda! A little car came around a blind curve onto the one lane bridge we were on and hit us. I broke the windshield with my head."

Bill: "Oh... that explains it. Any damage besides the obvious brain injury?"

Dad: "Not really. Wrinkled the fender and pinched the frame a little. He fixed it the Missouri way."

Bill: "Professional body shop?"

Dad: "Log chain tied between the right side of the frame and a sturdy tree. A couple of short trips in reverse gear straightened it up enough."

Bill: "Missouri people."

Dad: "A part of your heritage, son. Now tighten your seatbelt.

In the Kitchen with Dad and Bill - Okonomyaki

Bill: "Wait, we're still doing this thing?"

Dad: "Of course. Just been busy is all."

Bill: "Doing what?"

Dad: "Building you an heirloom table that you will pass on to your children and they to theirs."

Bill: "That thing in the garage that you bodged together from framing lumber?"

Dad: "Yes that thing. Anyway, yes we're still writing these things and today we're going to make you lunch."

Bill: "Didn't we already do one of those posts?"

Dad: "It's a series. It will catch on probably."

Bill: "Yeah, like Pogs. So what are we making?"

Dad: "Today we are making Okonomiyaki."

Bill: "That doesn't sound like a thing I want to eat."

Dad: "The word Okonomi roughly translates to 'what you like' and yaki means 'cooked'. So it can be whatever you want. You can't not like it!"

Bill: "Okay I want pineapple."

Dad: "It's not that."

Bill: "Yeah but that's what I like."

Dad: "Yeah well today you like grated zucchini and carrot."

Bill: "No I don't."

Dad: "You do because I said you do. THE POWER OF PARENTING!! Okay let me get my mis en place together here. I need one egg, a couple of tablespoons of flour, a teaspoonish bit of baking powder, one zucchini, and a bit of carrot."

Bill: "Nice try, dad, but Alan De Herrera you are not."

Dad: "Who?"

Bill: "Famous food photographer."

Dad: "Yeah well can he build a table?"

Bill: "Probably."

Dad: "Yeah... probably... Anyway! Take that stuff and mash it all up in a bowl."

Bill: "That's not very specific, or appetizing."

Dad: "Well I don't have a recipe per se. I really just kind of throw it together so it looks right. Traditional Okonomiyaki is made with shredded cabbage instead of zucchini and carrot as well as japanese yam but this is what I like. Or, as they say in japanese, okonomi."

Bill: "Can't I just have a bowl of fruit? Maybe some cheese? I'm hungry!"

Dad: "This will only take a minute. It's quick and easy!"

Bill: "You've been doing this for like 20 minutes. You took like 15 different pictures of the ingredients and will probably not even use one of them!"

Dad: "I'll use a couple. Be patient."

Bill: "I AM BEING PATIENT!"

Dad: "I can tell. Ok next we put a little vegetable oil in the pan and swish it around. Then pour in the mixture, spreading it around so it's no more than like half an inch thick."

Bill: "I'm so hungry! I think I'm starting to get like... hunger-blindness. Dad, is that you?"

Dad: "If I say no, will you go away?"

Bill: "No."

Dad: "Let the goo cook up until you can see some browning around the outside. It shouldn't take more than a minute or two but it depends on what loveliness you've added in. Then carefully give it a flip and brown up the other side. I made this one rather big because I didn't feel like putting half a zucchini back in the fridge but you can make yours smaller or even just make two of them."

Bill rolls around on the floor dramatically. He tries to grab Flopsie the cat who is coming to console him. She quickly realizes her mistake and jumps over the baby gate. Then Bill goes back to rolling.

Dad: "And that's all there is to it! You can pop it out of the pan and eat it as is, add salt or pepper, whatever!"

Bill: "I'm still not eating it."

Dad: "I haven't added the super secret ingredient yet."

Bill: "Cookies?"

Dad: "Okonomi sauce and kewpie mayo."

Bill: "Great. Mayo on a vegetable pancake. I'll just have some cookies."

Dad: "Not regular mayo. Kewpie mayo. It has a sweet and sour taste not too unlike the dreaded Miracle Whip but, unlike that corn syrup and oil monstrosity of chemical alchemy, this one is real mayo. And the Okonomi sauce is a wonderfully sweet brown sauce that is reminiscent of a mix of bbq sauce and worcestershire but without the bite. The combo is AMAZING." 

Bill: "Well, I'll try it. But if it's no good you have to give me cookies for lunch."

Dad: "You're not getting cookies for lunch."

Bill: "You'll give me cookies or... I'll tell mom that you gave me cookies for lunch!"

Dad: "Just eat it."

Bill: "Those japanese are damned geniuses..."

Dad: "I know, right! If you weren't a baby I'd have added the super SUPER secret ingredient which is to slap a couple of slices of bacon on the top before you flip it. It browns up and the bacon flavor permeates the whole thing."

Bill: "What's bacon?"

Dad: "One thing at a time, Bill. One thing at a time..."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1972 VW Karmann Ghia

Six months ago:

Bill: "This sucks. I'm tired of sitting in this stroller in front of cars. I want to drive!

Dad: "You're too little, silly! Besides, you aren't even wearing shoes."

Bill: "Sounds like bad parenting."

Dad: "Yeah well if you'd stop being a lazy baby and walk like you're supposed to then I'd put shoes on you. And then we can talk about driving"

Bill: "Is that some kind of challenge?"

Dad: "Oh it's a double dog challenge, buddy!"

Bill: "Pretty sure you mean double dog dare, but I accept."

Flash forward to present day:



Dad: "Bill, what are you doing?"

Bill: "I'm going to drive the Ghia!"

Dad: "Bill, you can't drive the Ghia."

Bill: "Chris said I could."

Dad: "She did not."

Bill: "Uh huh, Kevin was right there listening. He knows. Ask him."

Dad: "You can't even reach the pedals."

Bill: "I've got a stick for the gas and a big rock for the brake. I'm good."

Dad: "Get out of the car, Bill. And bring the stick and rock."

Bill: "Foxy Fox is my copilot."

Dad: "Bill..."

Bill: "I've spent like 1/3 of my life preparing for this, Dad! I'm walking everywhere wearing shoes, mashing my cars into one another so I know what not to do. I'm ready for this."

Dad: "Ok, I'll tell you what. If you can say "Karmann Ghia", with your words and not your hands, you can drive."

Bill: "That's not fair."

Dad: "Feel free to tell your mom on me."

Bill: "Challenge accepted...."

Cool Cars with Dad and the Dowager Countess - 1929 Model A

Dad: "Hey Bill, check out this 1929 Model A roadster. Pretty sweet huh?"

Bill assumes a haughty British falsetto.

Bill: "Goodness! What has Branson gone and done this time? Does Lord Grantham know of this?"

Dad: "Um. What?"

Bill: "Oh it is you. I thought it was a man in your clothes."

Dad: "Bill. We've talked about this before. You are not the chicken lady."

Bill: "When you talk like that, I'm tempted to ring for Nanny and have you put to bed with no supper."

Dad: "Listen, Bill. We're just here to talk about this car. Don't you want to go for a drive or something? Something manly and awesome?"

Bill: "What is this driving mania? You aren't Toad of Toad Hall. At my age one must ration one's excitement."

Dad: "This whole thing doesn't even make sense. This isn't a British car and it's not in the Downton timeline!"

Bill: "If I ever were to search for logic, I wouldn't look for it among the English upper class."

Dad: "How you hate to be wrong."

Bill: "I wouldn't know. I'm not familiar with the sensation."

Dad: "We have a lot of walking left to do still you know. Can we finish this up?"

Bill: "That's the thing about nature; there's so much of it."

Dad: "I'm just trying to pass the time here. It's not easy filling a whole day hanging out with a baby you know."

Bill: "You must find something to put your mind to."

Dad: "What? Gardening?"

Bill: "No you can't be as desperate as that. You're a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do."

Dad: "... I'm not a woman."

Bill: "Hmm, yes but you're better than nothing. I suppose looks aren't everything."

Dad: "Bill! Stop quoting the Dowager Countess and use your own words."

Bill: "Oh all this endless thinking; it's very overrated. I blame the war; before 1914 nobody thought of anything at all."

Dad: "I hope you're happy. Everybody has stopped reading by now and gone off to Buzzfeed."

Bill: "Hope is a tease designed to prevent us accepting reality."

Dad: "You only say that to sound clever."

Bill: "I know. You should try it."

Dad: "Why are you like this?"

Bill: "Some say our history, but I blame the weather."

Dad: "Aaaaargh!!"

Bill: "Don't be defeatist, dear. It's very middle class."

Dad: "Fine. We'll just go home and eat. But if you don't stop you won't get any dessert"

Bill: "Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding."

Dad: "I'll take that as a compliment."

Bill: "I must have said it wrong."

Dad: "We're supposed to see grandma on the webcam later too. You don't want to miss that do you?"

Bill: "I'm so looking forward to seeing your mother. When I'm with her I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."

Dad: "You know she's American, Bill."

Bill: "Exactly."

Dad: "That's pretty rude."

Bill: "You know, I wonder your halo doesn't grow heavy. It must be like wearing a tiara around the clock."

Dad: "I'm done."

Bill whispers to Foxy Fox: "I don't dislike him, I just don't like him. Which is quite different. Why does every day involve a fight with an American."

Bill: "Well we can't have him assassinated... I suppose."

Dad pushes the stroller away back toward the house sighing.

Remember the 90s?

Dad: "If you want to destroy my sweater..."

Bill: "Dad."

Dad: "...hold this thread as I walk awaaay."

Bill: "Dad.."

Dad: "Watch me unravel. I'll sooon be nakeeeed."

Bill: "Dad Dad Dad Dad."

Dad: "Lying on the floor. LYING ON THE FLOOR! I'VE COME UNDOOOOOONE!"

Bill: "DAD!!!!!"

Dad: "Yeah buddy?"

Bill: "What's your deal?"

Dad: "Just rocking out. Like ya do."

Bill: "I don't think that was rocking out. That sounds like old people music. Mom says it's because you're stuck in the 90s. Whatever that is."

Dad: "Not what. When."

Bill: "What?"

Dad: "When."

Bill: "Losing interest..."

Dad: "See, son, when people refer to time periods they usually talk about decades. And generally they use it to talk about the popular styles in fashion, food, and entertainment that were popular during that time. I spent most of my formative years, the period from teen to young adulthood, in the 90s."

Bill: "Why does mom say you are stuck there?"

Dad: "Well mom is a hater, Bill. And you know what haters do, right?"

Bill: "Haters gonna hate?"

Dad: "Exactly! It just so happens that mom is a few years younger than me and, as such, she doesn't have the appreciation of the fine art that is music in the 90s like I do. Plus she's Canadian."

Bill: "So where is she stuck?"

Dad: "Some weird limbo between the 90s and the 00s, Canada and the US. It's all Metric and Gaga up in her head. Though she does reach back to 90s dance and the occasional Gordon Lightfoot jam. You know, when she gets all Canadian."

Bill: "So you just listen to 90s music then?"

Dad: "Not necessarily. Growing up I had lots of influences that were stuck in various decades. So I do have an appreciation of Skynyrd, Pink Floyd, Queen, etc. Sometimes I even jam to a Sam Roberts song from your mom's collection. And when I get really crazy... i'll do "She's just being Miley."

Bill: "That's messed up."

Dad: "I know! That's your mom's influence. One time I secretly filmed her singing along to it in the car. Shh don't tell anybody."

Bill: "So where am I stuck then?"

Dad: "Right now you're stuck in Sesame Street. But eventually, when you get older, you'll decide what you like best. Whatever is popular in the 30s I guess. Hopefully Miley isn't still around by then. Who knows what persona she'll have at that time. Like a cross between Madonna and Cher and she'll be dressed like Gaga most likely."

Bill: "What if I don't like any of the music?"

Dad: "Then make your own! Start your own band. You don't have to follow the crowd if you don't want to."

Bill: "Maybe. Can I still listen to Sesame Street for now?"

Dad: "Heck yeah. You want to rock out with me?"

Bill: "Sure!"

Dad and Bill: "La la la la! La la la la! Elmo's World! THAAAAAAAT'S ELMO'S WOOOOOOOORLD!"

Review time! - Vtech Go! Go! Smart Wheels Ultimate Amazement Park Playset

Dad: "Today we're going to talk about Vtech's Go! Go! Smart Wheels Ultimate Amazement Park Playset. Yes, it does have a ridiculous title. I agree. I'll refer to it as GGSWUAP for now."

Bill: "Vrooooooooooom.... eeeeerp! PAKOOSH!"

Dad: "Hey Bill do you want to stop for a second and come talk about your toy?"

Bill: "Disinterested."

Dad: "Okay then. The GGSWUAP was the first thing in the Go! Go! Smart Wheels line that we bought for Bill. His mom picked it for his first birthday which was a little early for his height since it's so tall but that just meant he could enjoy it longer."

Bill: "My car's fixed up, I'm ready to go. Beep Beep hit the gas! Let's go!"

Dad: "The track comes with the white race car driven by Rob which, along with the fact that he loves to race, he dutifully announces every few minutes while you're playing with it. Interspersed in between are classic children song instrumentals as well as a few other phrases and lots of racey engine noises."

Bill: "Rob likes to go down the steep hill and through the loop the most."

Dad: "He isn't very good at the loop anymore. His wheels are a little gummed up so he tends to slide down the track more than roll."

Bill: "It's hilarious when he gets upside down and then falls on his top."

Dad: "That it is, son. Luckily, other than the wheel issue, he is robust. Bill has thrown him down on the hard kitchen tile quite a few times and he only has a few decal scratches to show for it."

Bill: "It's cool. He has a helmet."

Dad: "The design of the gar is nice. It's like a super-deformed Le Mans car and it's well detailed for a Smart Wheels car. All Vtech cars have little songs that they play that refer to various things they do like the race car races, the school bus takes children to school, etc. However the music for many of them are the same, just with different words. Some of them are pretty badly written but Rob's are better than most."

Bill: "That's enough. Tell them about the track."

Dad: "I thought you weren't participating."

Bill: "Yeah well you're not very good at this. I will have to help you out AGAIN!"

Dad: "Well the tower is about 3 feet tall and there are a few different tracks to run on. At the top is a staging area for two cars with a tip-start feature to have them race. Though, the tracks are different so it's not exactly a fair race. The right lane leads straight down the hill into a loop. The left side leads to a round track that circles downward and into a teeter-totter which can be tilted forward to go down a chicane hill or backward to lead to another tilter which dumps onto a spiral hill."

Bill: "Oh man, remember when Mom would put other toys on the chicane hill? Like the lion, or the stacking rings, or the racoon puppet? That was HILARIOUS!"

Dad: "What was that racoon even DOING on that track? He doesn't belong on the track!"

Bill: "I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Dad: "Classic. The other feature of the GGSWUAP is a little gas station/music player stuck strangely out of place on the side. It plays music and various race announcer phrases. It also has a "smart point" gas station on it which has ridges that contact the little fingers on the bottom of the Smart Wheels to tell the car where it is which causes the car to say different things related to where they are. Certain parts of the tower have these little smart points and they're nice but not really that fun. Bill rarely messes with them except the ones built into the tilters."

Bill: "They don't even work all the time. Too fiddly. Rob and I have races to run."

Dad: "If you've seen other pictures of the GGSWUAP on other sites you may notice Bill's is missing a few bits and bobs. That's because there are a few bits that are super easy to take off so he did. Immediately. Day one. So those got put away for later. There was a Start billboard on top, a little arch over the chicane hill, and a little curved bit of track that attached to the end of the loop. They may be useful later but right now they're just chewing/cat whacking bits."

Bill: "I don't get to have any fun."

Dad: "So the GGSWUAP is definitely a good value. Bill has had it for half a year and it's still his go-to toy. It's a little big at 3 feet long but we have it against the wall in the living room and it's not really that in the way. It's pretty sturdy. Bill basically learned to stand by hanging on to it and stretching to reach the top to put cars on the track. It swayed a bit but he's only knocked it over once or twice. I'd definitely recommend it if you can stand all the songs and tunes. Or you could just not ever put batteries in it and your kids won't be the wiser!"

Bill: "Those poor kids..."

Dad: "What do you think of it, Bill?"

Bill: "It's the best. Two thumbs up. Whatever that means. Up your nose? I don't know."

Dad: "Bill... don't be crass. Go sit with your toy and say cheese!"

Bill: "Cheese!"

Under the Sea

The year is 2035. Global warming has caused the ocean levels to rise and blanket much of the coastal land. President Trump attempted to slow it by suing the icebergs and building a wall around the arctic but it continued unabated. Dad and Bill are sitting on their porch in their undersea home in Oregon.

Bill: "Hey Dad."

Dad: "Hey Buddy."

Bill: "What are you up to?"

Dad: "Just watching the fish go by. Wondering where they come from; where they are headed."

Bill: "It's quite the view, isn't it."

Dad: "It's very pretty. I never imagined that this would be the view I woke up to every morning. Things sure have changed."

Bill: "It's been this way for half of my life so I don't really recall much about how it was before. I see it in pictures and television but it seems so far away. Do you miss it?"

Dad: "Yes and no. There was a time when I was absolutely terrified by change. I was so afraid of it in fact that I didn't grow up and get a real job, or even drivers license, until I was 25."

Bill: "What were you afraid of?"

Dad: "I don't know. Failure maybe. I had an idea of the way life was supposed to be but didn't know if I had it in me to do it. I felt a bit like an ostrich in an aquarium. Like I wasn't equipped to be there and had no idea how to survive once I got there."

Bill: "What changed?"

Dad: "Well your aunt called me one day and said your uncle needed help in his warehouse. I was actually reluctant to do it at the time. I had spent most of my early adult life taking care of your cousins so was used to the stay at home gig just hanging out with kids. But she was pretty insistent."

Bill: "So you took the job?"

Dad: "Yeah. It started out pretty slow. It was a lot different feeling than what I was used to. Took a little while for me to take it seriously.  But I was pretty good at it and eventually went on to be a manager both there and at the company I went to work for after. Of course the biggest change for me was meeting your mom."

Bill: "Reeled her in as soon as you laid eyes on her I bet."

Dad: "Hah! I knew your mom for years before we were together. We were just friends that talked a lot."

Bill: "When did you finally know that you loved her?"

Dad: "When I realized I was a different person when she wasn't around. She made me happy. Sappy as it sounds she made me want to be a better person."

Bill: "I hope I have that one day."

Dad: "I hope you do too, buddy. And when you have it, don't let go."

Bill: "Okay Dad."

Dad: "So, yeah, things are a little different now, but they're not necessarily worse. I think it's pretty nice, actually. It was getting a little boring on land. Change is good."

Bill: "So now that you aren't afraid of change anymore, are you ready for me to teach you how to swim?"

Dad: "Oh look at the time! I need to go start dinner."

Bill: "What happened to change being good?"

Dad: "That's too much change for me. Besides, there are starfish out there. Ick."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1989 Chevy S10 Blazer

Bill: "Why am I next to a pile of garbage? Is it trash day?"

Dad: "I like it!"

Bill: "Dad this is obviously somebody that has just given up. He spun the wheel again with 5 cents and landed on a dollar. He may need professional help."

Dad: "Don't be sexist. It could be a woman's truck."

Bill: "No, see, it can't. Women generally have self respect. Or at least shame if nothing else. This guy has neither."

Dad: "I think he's brave. He knows he's driving a busted 1989ish Chevy S10 Blazer. Probably worth $250 on a good day. So he lifted the body a couple of inches to give it a more powerful stance. Of course the body and frame are separate and the bumper stays with the frame so it's not exactly lined up anymore but he stuck some extra lights on it to cleverly mask it."

Bill: "And then he tied a paintbrush to a blind cat's tail and threw it at the truck?"

Dad: "What it lacks in skill it makes up for in passion. Look at the frantic lines of the waves crashing over the desert isle. The broad vivid strokes in yellowish tone that perfectly capture the golden sunlight of the fading day. The earthy brown dots that could be paint or possibly rust all over the A-pillars and hood. I think it's amazing."

Bill: "I think it's crap."

Dad: "Crap is in the eye of the beholder, Bill. Life is too short to worry about others' opinions. Do what feels right. Do what makes you happy. As Rear Admiral David Glasgow Farragut said during the battle of Mobile Bay on August 5th 1864: 'Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.'"

Bill: "So what you're saying is he trusts who he is and he's just going for it."

Dad: "Exactly! Just be you no matter what anybody thinks."

Bill: "This gives me a whole new perspective on your wardrobe choices."

Dad: "I know, right!"

Bill: "Haters gonna hate."

Dad: "It's what they do, son. It's what they do..."

In the Kitchen with Dad and Bill

Bill: "It's 11:30."

Dad: "Already?"

Bill: "Daylight saving time."

Dad: "Curse you New Zealander George Hudson who first proposed the concept of daylight saving!"

Bill: "Right. So I want pancakes."

Dad: "No."

Bill: "Cookies?"

Dad: "Nuh uh."

Bill: "Mochi?"

Dad: "That is just ice cream. You seem to be going the wrong way."

Bill: "It has dough on it too!"

Dad: "You can have eggs."

Bill: "My favorite! So what do we do first?"

Dad: "You want to help? Okay first we need to pick a vegetable to go in it."

Bill: "Mochi."

Dad: "No. You can have broccoli, spinach, carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, or any combination thereof."

Bill: "I'll take the crab juice."

Dad: "Hehehe... classic Simpsons. Now pick a vegetable."

Bill: "Fine. I'll do broccoli."

Dad: "Excellent choice. Now it's best to start with steamed broccoli but if it's raw or frozen that's fine too you'll just need to steam or microwave it first."

Bill: "Ooh nuke mine so I can get superpowers!"

Dad: "That's not science. Besides everybody knows you need gamma rays for that, not microwaves."

Bill: "Who says?"

Dad: "Neil DeGrasse Tyson."

Bill: "Damn. That checks out."

Dad: "Can we finish? You want to mince up your chosen cooked veg very fine and mix it with two beaten eggs."

Bill: "Why did you chop it up?"

Dad: "To keep you from picking it out."

Bill: "That's dash cunning of you."

Dad: "I know some stuff. Now get a nonstick pan and put it on medium high heat and add a touch of butter and swirl it around."

Bill: "Mochi probably would have been healthier."

Dad: "Ahem. Pour in your egg and veg and, as the egg starts to come together, scrape the bottom to make little egg curdles."

Bill: "Mmm curdles."

Dad: "Now usually I plate when the eggs are together but still a little shiny because, as we all know, done in the pan means overdone on the plate. However you are a baby so for you I like to take the undercooked curdles and form them into a patty and let them stick together. Then I  flip the whole thing as a unit and cook the other side til firm. This allows me to cut the patty up into uniform squares for you to eat instead of a mishmash of scramble bits."

Bill: "I do like square foods. This doesn't look like enough though. Can I get a side of mochi?"

Dad: "I will cube up some whole wheat bread and cheddar. Call it.... deconstructed mochi."

Bill: "I won't be doing that. But, since it's ready, I'll eat it. I'm pretty hungry. Thanks Dad."

Dad: "You're welcome, buddy."

Bill: "Five o'clock will be here before you know it. Do you have a plan for dinner?"

Dad: "Yep."

Bill: "Cake?"

Dad: "Eat your lunch."

Cool Cars with Dad and Bill - 1989 Saleen Mustang?

Dad: "Rollin... in my five point oh with my rag top down so my hair can blow.."

Bill: "What's your damage?"

Dad: "That's just a little rap I learned back when I was but a wee lad. A Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle used to sing it. Err.. speak it. Rap it I guess."

Bill: "Gee thanks Grampa, what does that have to do with this car?"

Dad: "This is the car he was talking about! Kindof. Same type, different style. From the outward appearance I believe this might be a 1989 Saleen Mustang 5.0."

Bill: "You don't know for sure on this one either?"

Dad: "Well there are a lot of people pretending their cars are something they are not. This one has the ground effects, ground effects decal, and ridiculous wing of a genuine Saleen though it is missing the decal from the front spoiler as well as the badges."

Bill: "So it's either a fast car to impress the Vanilla Ices of the world or it's a hoopty belonging to a poseur."

Dad: "Agreed."

Bill: "Excellent. Can we go home now?"

Dad: "Don't you want to hear my other rap about hoopties by the great Sir Mix-a-Lot? Myyyyy hoopty rollin, tail pipe draggin, heat don't work and..."

Bill: "I gotta learn to walk..."